Walking Ahead

I watch as you walk ahead of me.............tan legs extending from your bright hawaiian themed skirt, blond hair swinging behind you, a bright blue headband topping you off.

You walk ahead - not behind, not beside - but ahead of me, almost running in your excitement to get back to school, to get back to friends, to get back to routine.

You are eager to show your brother the way.  You show him his locker.  You want to help put away his supplies.  You greet your old teachers.  You've been here, done this.

Because of you your brother isn't so scared, he's actually eager to go.  He's heard stories of school.  He's heard how much you love the teachers.  You've sold him on the idea of recess, gym, computers, iPads, even reading.  I love to see how eagerly he follows you and how much you relish showing him the way.

I can't believe that it was two short years ago that we tentatively walked into this building - all of us.  We were nervous for you.  You were nervous.  We weren't quite sure how this whole school thing would go over.  You hid behind us.  You held our hands.  You missed out on gym the first day because of a tummy ache - an ache that came from more than your tummy, I am sure.

But now...............

You walk ahead.  For all of us, my brave and lovely girl.  You have set the tone in this family.  School is a place to learn but it's also a place to love and be loved.  The best thing I have heard yet from a teacher is that you are always the first to be kind, that you care for others in a way that goes beyond the ordinary.  Oh how proud that made me!  It's what we try to tell you, show you, teach you but what you end up teaching us, instead.

You've shown me, sweet girl, to friend the ones who aren't the same, who don't look like you.

You've taught me not to look for the safest, the easy but to show kindness to everyone.

You've shown me that kindness is not just a performance for others but a way of living in the every day.

You've taught me that patience is for everyone and not just when I feel like it or am having a good day.

I love that you are known not for your daddy the middle school teacher, your mommy the former first grade teacher or grandma the retired veteran of the school.........you are known for you, now.  As Sofia Codispoti you have paved your own way, made your own name at that school that is now yours and yours to share with your brother this year.

I am so proud of you.

And if I forget to tell you tomorrow or my smile might seem a bit too big for a mama leaving her little ones for the first day...........I will miss you.  This summer has been a wonderful one.  It was a time of many trips, reading outside, hip-hop, swimming ALL ALONE (WOW), paddle-boating, picnicking, crafts and so many other adventures.  You bring so much to our little family - you organize, you love on your brother and sister, you work hard, you entertain and you treasure the time that daddy and I spend with you.

I love you, sweet girl.

Happy Last Day of Summer.

What I See

They see you and exclaim, "He's SO big!  When did he get so big?"

I look at you and I wonder what they see.

I look at you and I see the same boy I have always seen.

The boy who still calls for me in the morning to get him out of bed.

The boy who cuddles up on my lap and likes to be held for the first few moments of the day.

The boy who pouts and turns in on himself when things don't go his way.

The boy who feels such JOY at the smallest of things and such anger at the tiniest of offenses.

The boy who laughs with such abandon and loves disgusting things.

The boy with big lips, big cheeks and a big heart.

I see our big, beautiful baby boy.

But in just two days this baby boy will be taking his first steps into kindergarten, into a world away from home.

Is that possible?  Could so many others be seeing what I have been missing?  That our beautiful boy is, indeed, growing up and up and up?

It seems to be so.

Another one leaving the nest.........tentatively and for just a few hours..........always returning, making his way home.......and yet.

And yet it is a step closer to the growing up and growing out and growing away......

But that is another day, another milestone.

For today I will treasure the morning cuddles and wake up call, the big, loud belly laughs, the crocodile tears over the little injustices of a 5 year old boy and the the tender heart of our big, beautiful baby boy.

Tomorrow comes soon enough.

Just ask the weary mama of 5 years ago who put her baby to sleep each night, wrapped up tight and placed in the bouncy seat in the crib and woke up to a boy who runs hard, plays hard and loves hard.

The Length of You

Laying still for just a moment, I look down.

And I see.

I see the length of you laying on the length of me.

Oh child.

You wear me down, you wear me out, you wear me.

Mom.

Mom.

Momma.

Mom.

Mom.

You are an endless parade of need and love and need and love and more need.

And yet.

I look down.

And I see.

And I feel.

I feel the weight of you, the glorious, tender weight of you, my child.

And I soak in the moment, realizing that you are just as much my security blanket as I am yours.

As much as I bemoan and roll my eyes and sigh deep, big sighs - you are worth each and every moment of aggravation and weariness.  You are my adventure.  You love big and you need big.  You cause heads to shake while mouths betray the joy you bring to people.  You shout and cajole and boss and own this place.

I can't imagine this life, this world without you.

You still grip my hand to pull me places and tug me hard.   And as you tug my hand, you tug my heart. For you are the last in line - the loudest, the most direct, the wildest one.  Your daddy and I often stare at you in confusion, as if not quite sure how you became ours - so different are you from the others.

And yet.

I look down.

And I see.

I realize, as I look at the length of you laying on the length of me..........

So much of who you are is who I am.

An endless parade of need and love and need and love and more need.    My shouts and bossiness and directness and loudness is shrouded by adulthood most of the time, concealed by the awareness of expectations and presence of others.  And I must say there is part of me that hopes who you are is never fully concealed or shrouded.  That who you are now continues to be who you are into adulthood - that all that craziness and loudness is such a gift.    I love the glint in your eye and the sureness of who you are.

One day soon, we will lay and your toes will start to creep further to mine.  Until one day we will stand next to each other, our toes will meet and the length of you will match the length of me.  It's hard to imagine such a time as that.

I pray that the glint is still in your eye, that the sureness of who you are grows and keeps you loving big.

I pray that people are still shaking their heads and that their mouths still betray their joy at you.  

I pray that your sense of adventure will take you many places but will always bring you home, to the ones that love you most and have loved you longest.

Oh my girl.  How I love you.

I Don't Know....

These words have been tumbling around my mind the past few days................

I don't know.  I don't know.  I don't know.

As I continue on my quest for knowledge, for wisdom, for understanding, I come up against these words.........

I don't know.

I hunger and crave knowledge.  I listen to podcasts, I read my bible, I love to have discussions and talk about the deeper things, the holy things of life.  I can get caught up in the knowing.  And yet........

I don't know.

For there is knowledge and words and talk in isolation; and then there is knowledge and words and talk in life.  And I can have all kinds of theories and explanations and verses and revelation when sitting at my computer, when sitting in a sterile environment objectively debating the merits and points of my views.  I can read and quote and pray and feel confident of my beliefs.  I can stand strong on the rock, the word of my mighty and loving God.

And I do.

Because He IS mighty and He IS loving.  I believe in Him.  I believe in the strength of His word.  I believe in His sovereignty.  I believe.

But I am not He.

I do not have all the answers.

I just don't know.

I don't know why children die.

I don't know why fathers leave.

I don't know why some wombs seem to spontaneously produce life while others remain empty.

I don't know why life on earth ends earlier for some than others.

I don't know why there is brokenness that seems not to heal.

I don't know why there are cravings that seem not to be able to be satisfied.

And my breathe is taken away when thinking of the blessing or burden of being born in a certain place at a certain time - that geography can determine whether you have a child that is fed, that has clean water, that has a chance of celebrating a 5th birthday or even a 2nd.  How can coordinates on a map determine such a thing?  And what right did I have to be one of the lucky ones.......and what do I do with such a gift?

I don't know.

And so I search and I read and I pray.  I ask God for what He might have me do.  I believe that He listens and He answers.  I believe that I am just one piece of a much larger picture - a mere brushstroke made by the Master.  It is not for me to fully know - the whole picture, that is.  I am simply responsible for my part.

And so I think that I don't know is a valid answer and it's one that people might need to hear.

I don't have all the answers.  My belief in God, in Jesus as my Savior doesn't secure me all knowledge, all wisdom.  My belief in Jesus as my Savior secures my salvation and prompts me to live a life in which I take the love that I have been shown by God and share it with those around me.  But even that I mess up and I cringe at the thought that anyone might judge God based on my actions, that anyone might look to me as to evidence of who God is.

And I think that we can get caught in a vicious cycle of expectations and misunderstanding and trying to prove who God is and what He says and who is right and who is wrong.  We launch attacks through posts and feeds and pithy phrases here and there.  We focus more on the words and the sound bites than we do on the heart and the meaning.  We waste time being hurt or angered by the fringe.  We listen to those who are the loudest, no matter that they seem to be the fewest.  There seems to be an expectation of knowing.

But I don't know.

I don't know why skin color seems to be more important than eye color.

I don't know why people love who they love.

I don't know why my gender seems to matter to some and not to others.

I don't know why we have so much and seem to crave so much more.

And while I believe there are some who are called to fight on a larger scale, to be the beginning of a movement, to be on the front lines of a battle............I believe that for most of us the battleground is in our daily lives, our front lines are, indeed, right in front of us.  But we get caught up in the words and the hurt and the anger and we let it spill out across the screens of our computers and our phones and we lose the battle before it begins because we are not there.  We are not loving the person next to us, we are missing the opportunity to change the world because we think it's not enough to simply love and lift up the person next to us.  We want to engage in something bigger, something that "matters" rather than the piece of the larger picture that was given to us.

And, please, do not think that my not knowing translates into ambivalence or that my not knowing means I have no theories or beliefs.  I have many.  I love nothing more than to talk and discuss and debate.  Words are my playthings - meant to have fun with, create with, to lob back and forth in meaningful discussion.  But too often they hurt and are used in public forums to create dissent and fracture in communities, families and friends.  We have become too careless with words and they slip too easily onto a screen, sent off into a space that has no privacy.  And there they sit for all to view and mull over and that screen they sit on can't convey tone or intent just the words in black and white.

And so today......on this screen, in this space........I want you to know that I don't have all the answers.  That as a Christ follower who loves Jesus, who lives to serve Jesus and fails miserably each day there is so much that I do not know.  Yet.......

I know that God loves you.

I know that my Savior lived, died and rose again so that I may have eternal life.

I know that Jesus is Lord.

I know that I am fully loved.

And that is enough for today.

Because Life Wasn't Meant to Be Boring......... ;)

It's just after dinner, Nico is still finishing up, the family is talking.  We are outside, as we usually are in the summer months, sitting at the table in the back corner.........under the shade, together, life is good.

And it happens.

I wouldn't say it happens frequently, yet it happens all the same.

It started just after we were married and continues to this day.

I get this odd sensation...........laughter starting in the pit of my stomach, a plan taking form in my my mind...........but I conceal it as best as I can.  No one notices yet.

Joe is talking.

Fia is talking, talking, talking.

Nico is still eating.

Francesca gets down to play and roam about the backyard.

I scan the family, yep, no one is paying attention to me.

I start to stealthily unscrew the top of my very full water bottle.  The water is warm.

I pause.  Anyone looking?

No.

I continue.

The top is unscrewed.  I take a sip as Joe looks over.  He hasn't noticed the top is unscrewed.

You would think after so many years he might be wise to my ways.......he isn't.  I always leave enough time in between attacks.

He looks away.

The laughter threatens to bubble up and out of my mouth.........I better hurry before I give myself away. Ok.........here we go.............

WHOOSH!!!  SPLASH!!!  Drip..........drip............drip...............

Joe is covered in water.  I have done it again.  I have drenched him at the dinner table.

I am laughing HYSTERICALLY.  I cannot stop.  Fia says, "MO-OM.  WHAT DID YOU DO?!?"  She is incensed at such behavior.  She can hardly believe she has a mother who routinely throws water at her dad at the dinner table.  Joe just shakes his head, saying he is a patient man and he will seek revenge.  He is used to such behavior by now.  Nico is laughing and thinks this is the coolest thing ever.  He grabs his water bottle and pours it all down my front and back..........I am still laughing hysterically..............

Just another night at the Codispoti dinner table..........................you should stop by some time.

You never know what might happen ;)

Don't You Wish I Was YOUR Mom........

A peaceful dinner outside........5:30pm, an hour and a half before I have to leave for the night for milk pickup and huddle..............

Sofia:  Mom, tomorrow they are announcing June birthdays.......can you make a treat for the class tomorrow for my birthday?

Mom: Ummm, it's a little late for that.

Sofia:  You KNEW about this mom.  You KNEW I would need a treat.

Mom:  When did you tell me?

Sofia:  REMEMBER?  At the beginning of the year?  I said that June birthdays would be now?

Mom:  So you told me eight months ago.............

Sofia: YES.

Mom:  Well, honey, it's a little late now.  Does it count that I just came in last week and made dirt pudding with the whole class and took them all out for extra recess?

Sofia: No.

Mom:  Well, how about the popsicles we just bought and took in when it was really hot?

Sofia: No.

Mom:  What about the snack we sent in when we did your "GO!" card?

Sofia:  No.

Mom:  Ok.  Ummmm, so are there other kids with June birthdays?  Maybe they will have a snack for your class.

Sofia: I am the ONLY ONE.

Mom.  Ok.  Ummm.........oh I have a GREAT idea.  So there are other kids celebrating June birthdays, right?  And they have to go to the front during morning meeting, right?  Well, when a kindergartener goes up and leaves their snack at their place, you just run over and grab their treat and skeedaddle back to your place.  No one will even notice.  Kindergarteners are always confused, just tell them that their birthday is really in September and they got it wrong.  Then you will have a treat for your class.  PERFECT PLAN.

Sofia (rolling her eyes in quite an exaggerated manner):  MOM.  NO.  THAT is not a great plan.

Nico (eyes HUGE, laughing hysterically):  That is a GREAT plan.

Mom:  Well, then, I guess no snack tomorrow.

Sofia:  Well, you better remember NEXT year.

Mom:  How about next year you remind me earlier than the night before and a little bit later than eight months before?  I still like my plan, though.

Sofia (EYES ROLL): Mom....................

What We Do

Yesterday, at the church, I was asked a question.

It's a question that has been asked before, particularly when meeting with leaders, and it's a good question.

But it always makes me stop and think.

It's kind of an intimidating question, one that I don't have an easy answer for or even a great answer.

"What do you do?" "What is your out?" "Who do you serve?"

They are looking for how do we identify ourselves, as a village/small church, as a person.  And I get that it's an easy question to ask.  I get that the people asking are doers, it's seems to be in their nature to ask the results type question.

"Family Village" - it sounds kind of quaint.  It doesn't have a flashy, movement-based name.  Our vision is to support/strengthen families and be a family to those connected to LoveCanton.  Again, nothing to suggest that we are action-oriented go-getters.

When they ask what do you do, what is your out?

I try to explain.

I try to tell them that for a year we created a base, a foundation.  We spent a year establishing our community and pouring into our people and then the body of LoveCanton.  I mention Baby Dedication and a funeral luncheon and other serving stuff, you can almost see the eyes glaze over.........but.........BUT

Here's the thing.

I am a parent.

I know that purely result-driven livin' is impossible.  It will burn you out.  It will destroy your spirit.  It will hinder actual growth, actual learning.  You may get quick results but you will not get lasting results.  (Every time I tried to "make" Sofia use the potty when she was 2 and then 3, it was COMPLETELY DEFEATING, she did it all by herself one day - the day she said she would.  Francesca was born, Fia brought the potty to the hospital, peed on it and wore underwear every day since.)

Every parent knows this.

We know that basing your self-worth on only the results? OH MY WORD.  That is no way to live.  It will demolish any sense of worth because you cannot control results.  You cannot control outcomes.  You cannot control people.  (Think of every public meltdown your child has had, think of every time you thought that this DEMON SPAWN COULD NOT BE THE FRUIT OF MY LOINS......you quickly learn not to tie up all of who you are in the acts of people - especially small ones :)

Every parent comes to realize this.

We know that results are hard-earned, never guaranteed and take months, even years, to see.  We know that the daily work is the hard work.  That the celebration at the end, the culmination?  One day of celebrating = 1095 days of tedious, every day, ordinary hard work.  (I believe this because I am a mom who every day reads to her children, talks to them, plays with them, cooks with them, shops with them in the hopes that one day....many, many years down the road they will remember these days and enjoy reading, cooking for their own family, take the time to talk with friends/family/spouses, etc. I will see the fruits of my daily living so far down the road but each day I know it's worth it.)

Ask any parent.

And so when they ask - what do you DO?

I try to explain.  I try to explain that we invest in people who will go out and invest in other people.  We gives parents a place to feel safe and ok when they are not perfect.  We give couples a place where they know that they will be supported and strengthened in the daily hard work of marriage.  We babysit each other's kids.  We mourn together.  We worship together.  We eat together.  We cry together.  We build one another up.  We pray together.  We invite people to join us.  We take Jesus to those outside our four walls.  We invite those with no families to join our families.  We love each other.  We love our neighbors.  We read the Word together.

I don't know how to quantify that.

And so when I am asked that question........I am reminded.

I reminded we are not building A church, we are building THE church.

I am reminded of our village members as they go out......taking the church to their neighborhoods, to their families, to their friends.  There are so many people experiencing the love of Jesus through our village members - middle school girls, next-door neighbors, moms, co-workers, kids, etc.  They are doing amazing things that most likely you will never hear about.  I can't point to any numbers or any building or any project or any great amount of money.

So what do we do?  What is our out?  Who do we serve?

We do Families.

We go out right where we are.

We serve God.

My village members?  They are doing Kingdom work - quietly, humbly, with no thought of recognition.  I have to admit..........they amaze me.  Every Sunday I get to walk into a room of leaders, of kingdom workers who are committed to doing the hard work, the daily work.  People who understand that the process is just as important as the results.

Love you all.  Thanks for continually showing up, trusting us and doing the work.

It's amazing to see glimmers of results after over a year of building our foundation.

Can't wait to see what the next year brings............................