More For Me Than Anything, Really

In this life, in my marriage it seems there are moments of caregiving and those who freely take the care that is being offered. It seems to work itself out that there is a balance. It took quite awhile to discover this balance for I was one who was desperate for love from early on. My mother once made an astute comment that I was never quite myself unless I was being loved and loving someone - not exact words but I did relish being "in love". For so long I spent time pouring love into others, becoming exactly what they needed, what I thought they needed. I was happy, in a sense, for I did love "being in love" and being part of a whole but this did not make me whole. I spent so much time trying to be everything, do everything I could to stay "in love". Looking back I lost a bit of myself each time while taking on the personality of who I thought I needed to be. Now I look back and see that those boys weren't the problem but I was. I was looking for something earthly, something not quite right to make me whole. Before meeting Joe I started to see what it was I needed. I needed to be right with myself, find who I was in God, find love from my Father to make me complete. For my mother was right, I wasn't quite happy unless in love. I found the love of my Father before finding the love of my life. I haven't gotten it quite right yet - this relationship with my Father, I struggle with the daily habits, with the knowledge of Him........and I hadn't gotten it right even before I met Joe but I started on a journey and then God, who knows me better than anyone, knows my heart and my thoughts and my innermost self, led me to Joe. This man who loves me for who I am even though I drive him crazy at times. This man who saw who I was and never asked me to calm down, slow down or be less obtrusive. This man who takes care of me like no one else, who keeps me safe and keeps me wrapped in his arms day and night. This man who makes me feel beautiful and sexy and kisses me each day whether I turn to him or not. I love him and I love that he was sent to me from God, for I believe that I would have gone searching anywhere for love, done anything, compromised who I was in the pursuit of being a wife, a mother and it is only through God that He lead me to this place, this perfect place for me. Thank you, God, for knowing me better than I know myself. Thank you for leading me to this man.

The Mishap of a One Bathroom Home

Every morning Nico gets up, stumbles bleary-eyed to the bathroom. You hear the faucet being turned on and know that he is washing his eyes out, then he towels them dry and tries to find his way to his momma's arms. About 15 minutes later he will return to the bathroom for his long morning pee.

Well this morning Joe was in the bathroom. Nico starts banging on the door, Joe asks who is it? NICOLO MATTEO CODISPOTI - I NEED TO PEE! Just a minute buddy is the response. So Nico says I got a great idea, I can go outside. I said sure buddy, go ahead. He makes his way out to the pee tree and goes as I watch from the window.

Then I see it.........the look. Joe is out by now and is looking out another window. I yell out the window.....buddy, buddy do you have to poop? A frantic nod. Joe meanwhile is yelling don't poop, if you poop you can't go pee outside anymore, no more peeing outside. I am laughing hysterically because how can you say such a thing? Really? We are outside in the middle of a park or at a place with no bathrooms - can you really follow through on that? Frantically Nico is trying to decided what to do - a panicked look on his face suggests that he can no longer control what it is his body is doing. Joe has stopped threatening and is simply completely grossed out at this point while I can't control my laughing but thankfully my bladder is fully under control.

Then it happens..........our pee tree has now become the poop tree.

Sisters

How I love this blog: www.aholyexperience.com - it makes me tear up every time. Today's post was about sisters. I don't have any sisters, a wonderful brother with whom I share a common language - one word or phrase can bring about understanding usually followed by HUGE laughter and often laughing so hard that tears come. I send him gross pictures of things, I send him texts telling him how pretty I look, I can pray for him, I can ask for prayer, I can share so much. Yet, he isn't a girl and doesn't have that certain understanding that comes from being a woman. And so while I don't have a biological sister I read this post and thought of my other sisters - ones not from the same mother but from the same Father. These are the women who share my life - who are a phone call away, a text away and on some lucky days we can even see each other and take a breather from everything. For it is with these women that I am more or, rather, even less. I am no one's mother, no one's wife, no one's anything......there are no expectations. Rather there is a loosening of self, a time when everything seems easier when you are with your true sisters. I love how a look or a word can translate into so much more - there doesn't need to be scores of explanation for they know. They know without saying that you are tired, that you do more than you ever imagined you would for your family, that you love your husband more than words could ever capture yet at times you feel so exasperated. They know that how you looked on your wedding day is not how you look now but that there is beauty in a face, a body that has given life, that has sacrificed, that has spent days playing and laughing and cooking and eating and loving. A body that once was made carefully through exercise and watching what was eaten rather than cleaning the plates of small children, enjoying a huge ice cream cone on a sunny day and when exercise comes in the form of running around the yard and following just starting bike riders. They know all of this without you telling them - for you also share a common language. I love this. I sometimes mourn that fact that I didn't discover this group til later in my life, this club that belongs only to women, women who are comfortable in their own skin, who have grown to love themselves enough to share and delight in the company of other sisters. I hope for my girls that they know this bond from early on. That they will walk through life knowing the love of a sister, not only blood sisters but the sisters that He has placed in their lives.

Stabs of Jealousy

Tomorrow Fia, Nico and Francesca are going to grandma and grandpa's to spend the night (cue thunderous applause and celebrating in the background). No particular reason - just have a ton of stuff to do around the house and well, grandma and grandpa are both retired now and I assume they have nothing better to do than take care of my children with their vast amounts of spare time. Back to the subject..........so while I may indeed delight in the occasional night away from my children I expect them to be devastated by the loss of my company for any longer than 24 hours. However, tonight Fia said that she would like to just stay at grandma and grandpa's, to live there. UHHHHH....punch in the gut. Really? So I told her that was fine we can pack up her clothes and she can stay there (thinking if I push it I can get her to admit to the enormity of this decision and she will come running back into my arms). Ok, she says. Nothing. Am I not a fun mom? Do I not make delicious meals, plan fun activities, delight in her presence? (That might be a bit of an exaggeration but I am trying here, people) So later I tell Joe that I am a bit heartbroken by this and isn't he feeling this way too? He says she gets to eat junk food and watch a bunch of tv, I want to live at grandma and grandpa's house. Hmmmm...........good point, daddio, good point. Not feeling so badly anymore..........

I am BOY see me pee

So for quite awhile Nico was all about the girl stuff.........painting nails, dressing up, etc. Fia did these things and as far as he knows she quite possibly is the coolest person in his little world (or so she has led him to believe). But this all changed the day the Fether boys were over. You see the Fether boys live in a completely different world - MAN WORLD. There are four Fether boys and one big Fether man. They carry this MAN WORLD with them and one day it came to our backyard in the form of Brady sliding down our twisty slide, getting off at the bottom and peeing right on the jungle gym. Fia knew enough to look away, giggle and look at me as if saying can you believe this kid? But Nico filed this information away and decided to use it for another day. That day came later that week when the pee tree was established. For that day Nico discovered the one of the truly COOL things about being a boy - you have a penis and you can use it wherever you go. Have to pee? Great - here's a tree. Oh and did I tell you you can AIM IT? You can actually pee on rocks, shoot dandelions.......you can even pee on tires to wash off the dirt. AMAZING!!!!!!!!! We have had to curb his excitement and insist that he only use the outdoors when he MUST or he actually is outside. For awhile he would get up in the morning and want to go pee outside. It was amusing at first and then I thought.....hmmmm, this might not be a good idea. But for now the penis wins out over nail polish, dressing up and all things girlie. It was almost too much for him when he discovered the "stand up" toilets in the men's bathroom.........he now loves the urinals and doesn't want to go in the girl's bathroom anymore. And so the fascination begins.................my little boy is growing up...................(oh and by the way, he thinks his penis is TOO BIG - hahaha!)

The Sick Thoughts of a Pregnant Woman

This past week has been WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!  I don't even feel pregnant except when I look down and see elastic where I use to wear a belt.  Last night was the only time I have been sick all week.  I was sitting with the kids and had to excuse myself.  I very calmly went to the bathroom and positioned myself standing up, with my legs crossed severely so as not to pee my pants (I had on freshly laundered long underwear and my most comfortable pj bottoms) and proceeded to vomit.  Now as I am vomiting I am looking in the toilet wondering what on earth is that?  What did we have for dinner?  I can't even remember and I start to inspect what's in the toilet as I am hurling.   Oh, that's right...cantaloupe, salad, what else?.......oh there it is...french bread...can't wait to try that new recipe tomorrow morning......and what was the main course................yes, yes, there it is Minnesota beans.  It was like having an out of body experience, as if I wasn't really there.  I am truly hoping this is the last time I will ever throw up due to a baby in my womb!

MIracles DO happen

So I HATE stairs.  I about have a nervous breakdown whenever I am around stairs and my children.  I actually have dreams about my children falling from high places.  When the doctor asked me at Fia's 2 year appointment if she was walking down the stairs by herself I looked at her like she was an idiot......I mean who would let their child WALK DOWN STAIRS BY THEMSELVES at that age.  Unfortunately Fia has seen all her other little friends walk down by themselves (thanks guys........) and she is determined that she can too.  So she is on her own down the stairs now - I would have carried her down until she was 5.  Nico, on the other hand, is a different story.  If you have been around him you know that he goes full throttle FORWARD.  There is no caution, there is no backing down, sliding down, etc.  He just goes.  Well, the other night we were praying with a couple in the living room and their youngest daughter (age 11?) was playing with Fia and Nico was just walking around the upstairs.  All of a sudden we hear Mianna say, "What are you doing down here all by yourself?"  That's right, my son got down the stairs somehow BY HIMSELF and was playing downstairs.  The gate and door had been left open on accident.  Not a scratch, not a bruise, no screaming, no crying.  A true miracle!