Overflowing.....

Today was a rainy, dreary, cold, delightful, full of surprises, joyous Halloween day.

We piled on the clothes, under and over our costumes, donned hats and gloves and coats and all piled in the van.  We have a method to our trick-or-treating and we always go BIG first........Grandma and Grandpa's house with a quick visit next door to Dean and Diane's.

This year we started out even BIGGER than usual with a visit from Grandma Goats who braved the weather with us...........and brought big treat bags for each child.

So we traveled three streets over and gathered BIG candy bars, packs of stickers, packs of Oreos, fruits snacks, pretzels and more candy..........and that was just at those two houses.

Then onto other houses down the street with a stop at the corner house who also always has BIG candy bars.

Two streets back and we arrive at Zia Maria's house where she stuffed surgical gloves full of chocolate and goodies for each of the kids.

And it was on the way back to our street that it hit me...........our bags were FILLED to overflowing and we barely went anywhere............everyone who we had visited and who lived close FILLED us to overflowing-with love, with candy, with goodies, with blessings.

And that's how I feel about our life right now..........FILLED to the point of overflowing.

We are so BLESSED by our community, by our family, by our friends.  This day was a reminder of that, the whole day.

At 10:30 this morning we stood in a room as people filled it.........and every time someone walked in I felt a little zing of happiness, these are my people..........Rachel, Winston, James, Liga, Ryan, Luke, Gavin, Livvie, Annie, Suzi, JJ, Caris, Sam, Harper, Scott, Corey, Sarah, Nic, Ian, Mae, Jack, Andrea, Stephanie and on and on.   These are the people who fill me to overflowing - with love, with blessings, with encouragement.

At 3:00 we begin our trek through the rain and wind.......in pursuit of FREE CANDY.......and we meet along the way grandma goats, grandma, grandpa, Diane, Megs, Kevin, Amy, Zia Maria, Nanny, Jeff, Tootie, Paul, Inta, Mackenzie, Molly, Rick and on and on.  These are neighbors and family - old and new - who fill me to overflowing - with love, with blessings, with kindnesses, with comfort.

At 5:30 we sit down to dinner with friends who first came three years ago on Halloween day........dragged by their grandmother across the street.  These same friends are now the ones we see every Sunday, most Wednesdays, random mornings and text or talk to almost daily.  Who knew?  And in the midst of chicken noodle soup, fresh tomatoes, cheese and bread we talk, we laugh and solve fights between the children.  To end the day we play hide and go seek all around the house.  I am filled to overflowing - with food and laughter and love and blessings.

THANK YOU LORD..............for candy and community.

THANK YOU LORD..............for women holding each other up in prayer.

THANK YOU LORD..............for children's voices singing out praises to You.

THANK YOU LORD.............for rainy Halloweens.

THANK YOU LORD...............for a house filled with running, crazy children.

THANK YOU LORD.............for a life filled to the point of overflowing.

In Pursuit......

I chase after a lot of things...................

A clean house.

Godly, obedient, joyful children.

A laundry basket for dirty clothes that is always empty.

People who like me.

People I like.

Sleep.

Well-cooked meals.

A house that appears to be organized.

A reputation as a mom, a wife, a woman.

A place in our church, someway to give, to matter to the body.

I feel a little sad as I look at that list............even though it's an honest list and nothing on that list would be looked at as bad.  But I wonder why I choose with such fervor and anxiety things that will always elude me.  It takes so much effort, so much worry and so much time to pursue those things ALL THE TIME.  I woke up this morning and I felt anxious.  This past week has been a good week and I have been involved in good things, things that matter, things that I actually love to do.  But a lot of those things have been detail-oriented.  I am NOT a detail-oriented person but I am a person who wants things done right and done well.  So all my energy this week has gone into making sure each detail is right, everything is on time, goes smoothly and gets done in the correct manner.......I know, I am probably making you anxious right now.  And this morning I woke up and realize oh my gosh, there is another thing that has to get done for tomorrow and it's not planned and I don't know what I am doing and the house is a mess and I need to make meals and cheese and bread and I need to get dressed today and I want to play with the kids and I want to read books with them and I want to just lie in bed with my husband and I want to get this book made for the children's lesson tomorrow and so on and so on until I was worked into a frenzy......all in my mind, of course, because it was still 7:30am and I wasn't even out of bed yet.

But then............I turned my mind to the one achievable pursuit...............

The One who sets my mind at peace, who calms me, who loves me, who never asks me to be more than I can be at any one time..................

I saw myself laying down.................there was a gentle breeze blowing and the day was easy, those days where the sun is gentle, the air is warm and the sky is a never ending blue.  As I was laying there a hammock appeared and wrapped it's way around me and began to gently rock me in the breeze.  Aahhhh, I wanted to lay there forever.  It seems as if all those things that I was formerly pursuing in my mind were pushed aside as I pursued the One that pursues me.

As I lay there...........soaking in the calm, another came to lay beside me...........Joe was there and together, wrapped around one another, we rocked and swayed to the gentle beat of His heart.

Thank you for never letting me go, for reminding me what matters..........and in your gentle way giving me the idea for the children's lesson, for the day and restoring order to my frantic mind.  May my first pursuit always be You.

And Back to Real Life...........

8:30 am - We are due out of the house at 9:05.  This means that in order to get out of the driveway we should be putting shoes on at 8:55 due to the vortex that exists in our shoe room that always sucks at least 5-10 minutes out of the day..........the amount of time it sucks out is directly related to how frenzied your voice sounds.......the more frenzied, the more time that is literally sucked right out of the room.

8:31 am - We are all sitting in the living room talking to my dad who stopped by to drop some things off.  I am in my bathrobe with wet hair, the kids are all in their jammies.  Fia's lunch has yet be packed. We have company coming at some time after 9:15.............the clock is ticking.

8:32 am - I am listening to my kind father talking because I really do enjoy his company and the children love him and I love visitors but we are now down to 23 minutes and today is Fia's class party for fall (otherwise known as the Halloween party but we are not allowed to call it the Halloween party because Halloween is now taboo and that's ok if you don't celebrate Halloween but I now trip up every time I reference the party because fall party just sounds weird to me.........I know, I know....I am getting over it........growing up and moving on...).  So right now I am thinking I must actual get dressed today and pretend that I get dressed more than 3x a week.  I must wear something appropriate and slightly stylish (although I hesitate to use that word because I have NEVER been stylish but I mean more than a t-shirt and jeans........)  I should dry my hair and not just wear it in some sloppy thing at the back of my head and I should put on make-up.  Ok......ok........ok...........

8:33 am - Still sitting, now Nico wants to read a book..............still no one dressed.........in my head I am screaming OH. MY. GOSH. LETS GET A MOVE ON.......but I want to be a good mom who invests time in her childrne right after they wake up so I read the book..........as fast as I can........

8:35 am - Dad has gone. kids are playing.......time to get myself dressed............where are my jeans.......the one pair without holes, with the knees still slightly the same color as the rest of the jeans......hmmmm, not at the top of my closet........

8:36 am - Maybe downstairs in the laundry.....hopefully the clean pile.......ummm, no not there......oh, no maybe the dirty..............(digging, digging, digging) NO.....argh.......ok, back upstairs.....

8:37 am - (Throw, dig, throw, dig) All the laundry comes out of my dirty clothes basket......yes, there they are at the bottom of the clothes basket.........(sniff, sniff) nope, no nasty small...phew......oops, must have last worn these on a baking day...........scritch, scratch, spit, scritch, scratch, spit.......ok, good as new.

8:40 am - I am now dressed........I don't look so bad, shoot.......lost 30 seconds looking in the mirror, amazed at how one can look when they put on actual clothes and jewelry before 3:00pm.........ok, time to dry hair and put on make-up.....................pick out the kids outfits.......FIA! FIA! FIA!  Come get dressed!  FRANCESCA!  Come on back.

8:50 am - Ok, we are going to make it...............OH MY GOSH, IT'S FRIDAY!!!!  WE DIDN'T DO ALL OF YOUR HOMEWORK...........FIA! FIA! FIA! Get in here!!!  Get out your homework, phew....there is only one short fill in the blank paper and one more spelling sentence to write.........WHERE IS A PENCIL?  Ok, just use this pen until I can find one..............WAIT!  I found one in your bedroom.....here, use this..........I have to pack your lunch.  WHAT AM I GOING TO PACK?  Hmmm, here is some leftover food from the lunch at church.........a chicken wing with the breading pulled off, ooh......here are some fruit snacks, a pack of whoppers from that halloween party on Sunday night........ooh and a Capri Sun from the lunch at church........and for some nutritional value some baby carrots........ok that should do it............

8:55 am - MOM!  I AM DONE! A triumphant smile on my girl's face..........is there any more?  Yes, that one spelling sentence.........just write, hmmm, just write "I see a shell." (Because I am sure this is just what Mrs. Frantum pictures when she assigns homework..........literally 10 minutes before school starts on Friday her student sitting down to complete her work with her mom yelling just write I SEE A SHELL!)

9:00 - FIA!  Grab your folders and lunch box and get your stuff together..........we're gonna make it.....go! Go! GO!  I just have to grab a pair of socks for you (all the socks are currently unmatched in a huge pile in a laundry basket).................(throw, dig, throw, dig) YES!  I found some Halloween socks!  SCORE!  Now no one will know how unorganized I was this morning.......a halloween shirt AND socks, YES!

9:03 - For once there is no vortex.........everyone gets shoes on and gets out the door............

9:06 - We pull out of the driveway saying our morning car prayers and we are on our way............

9:08 - Fia gets dropped off............PHEW.  WE MADE IT!



And just to keep it REALLY real............yesterday I was a little tired. It had been a different kind of week, kind of emotional and all over the place and I hadn't spent a ton of time with the kids in the past few days.  I was CLEARLY out of practice.  Fia was acting JUST LIKE I DO when I am tired and impatient and she was talking rather unkindly and with a bit of a 'tude and I was just done.  I could not handle it at that moment while we were trying to get ready for school and I was trying to get back into the swing of things.  So after I had asked her to do something (after asking her, helping her, etc. ALL MORNING for/with different things) and she replied with a HUGE AMOUNT OF ATTITUDE.........WHAT, MOM? I might........well, I might have thrown a hairbrush across the room.

Oh. my. word.  Clearly, I had lost my mind.

I told Joe about it later that day..........and he asked what do you think she learned from THAT, MANDY?

Well, JOE, I think she learned that she better adjust her attitude because she became a whole lot sweeter after that...........well, after looking shocked, hurrying her butt up to get herself ready and then breaking down and crying and asking why I was so mad at her..........she changed her tone.  And no it was NOT a shining parenting moment of mine but I apologized, we prayed about it on the way to school and I think every single child in the house got the message LOUD AND CLEAR that mama needed a little bit of space and kindness today.

So if you are needing a little space and a little kindness today........maybe take a moment and go into your bedroom, shut the door, lay down........or maybe go into the bathroom, lock the door and just sit..............just try to do something before you find yourself hurdling a hairbrush across your dining room (and no, no children were in the actual room........but they definitely were able to see the hairbrush.........let's just hope this is one of those memories they DON'T have......)

LIFE

Today is the day.........

It seems as if it will go on forever, yet you can't imagine it starting............because for it to start, to begin will make it true and real and you just want to crawl back in bed and stay there forever.............

Because maybe then you wouldn't have to face today.

It wouldn't have to happen, but..............

Today is the day.

It's the day after.

When life has to go back to normal, only it's not the normal you wanted or thought would ever happen.

And as I read today the wish is that it will get easier.........right?

I don't know.

I think so.......but maybe not in the way I imagined before.

I used to think that things could be fixed.

I used to think that pieces could be put back together.

I used to think problems were something you solved.

I used to think that losses were something you got over.

I used to think that there was moving on, starting over.

I used to avoid, entirely, feeling pain or anger or sorrow.

But as I grow older I have a new perspective..........

I just keeping seeing a person limping and all the series of events that are brought about by a circumstance that leaves you crippled.........I see the beginning when you rage and you are angry and even just every day activities are painful and hard and take seemingly forever and you mourn who you were and who you were suppose to be.  I see every day when you have to work hard to get to the next day, to take the next step........becoming this new person, a person that lives with a limp......it effects everything.

But I can also see further ahead..........still limping, but living with it.  You learn that you can walk again, gingerly, but you can step out and begin to tentatively hope again.  The limp has started to become part of you, you are more accustomed to it.

And then one day, still with the limp, you find yourself dancing to some music or running to meet a friend and you think........oh my gosh......I didn't think I could do that anymore..........but you can.  One day.

And I still can't imagine a time when you are happy that the crippling occurred, I can't imagine thinking that........and I don't know if that's right or wrong.   But I can imagine a time when the limp simply is part of who you are but not what defines you.   And you will have learned to dance again, to walk again, to run again, to do everything you did before.............never rid of the tiny limp that accompanies you along the way and therein lies the hard part, the aching part, the confusing part..........while you never would wish for the crippling............you wouldn't wish it all away.


The limp is the reminder and it is bittersweet.


Just like life........bittersweet, unsolvable, joyous, messy, glorious LIFE.

YOU

There is a gathering..............

There is a people.......................

People who are weary longing for rest..............

People who are broken, shattered longing for restoration...........

People who have lost and are emptied longing for something to fill them..............

People who want to give up longing for someone to take the next step for them..............

People who are in the dark longing for the light...................

And so they gather, a force is moving..................

Moving them closer, circling the people.......................

Closer to rest, closer to restoration, closer to the filling, closer to the next step, closer to the light...........

Closer to God who is Love,

Closer to Jesus who is salvation,

Closer to the Holy Spirit which is power,

Closer to the gift which is.............


YOU.


You have Love.

You have power.

You are the Church.


Gather together in your brokenness, in your weariness, in your longing.............

The church is not four walls, it is not a building, it is not structure and routine and what has always been done before.............it is a people.

You are the people.

You are the Church.

Gather together...............find healing, find restoration, find rest, find Love.

Strength and Love will rise as we wait upon the Lord........................together.

The Father's Hands......

Close your eyes.


I want you to imagine and see as I have seen.


I want you to picture your darkest moment, the darkest hours............because He is there.


And I can't begin to know or even to guess the whys and the hows and all the questions that you must have about that moment or moments that you have experienced.  I am nothing and as I grow older I realize that I know nothing.


But I have seen.......................I have seen His hands.


I have seen His hands reach down and reach through..................strong hands that look as if they could break apart, rip apart with barely a thought anything that would get in their way..........and yet, these hands can gently raise up and hold the tiniest bundle, right up to Him........swaddled in the warmth of Him.


I have seen.


I have seen tenderness and Love and gentleness even as the world is breaking apart all around, even as human hands are reaching and grasping for what they love........wanting to just hold on.    I have seen Him holding him safely and securely............I feel joy and warmth and peace in the gentle rocking of His hands.


And to you He says..............hold on.


Hold on.


Hold on.


I am coming.


I am coming.


My promise to you.


And until then...........I have you in my hands.


My hands are strong and gentle and tender and they will hold you, too.

The Day After.........

After yesterday's day of frustration and panic and falling asleep at the wheel we take to the out of doors..........raking and jumping and throwing and piling...........we laugh, run and play.  I take the time to really play, no work gets done.  Steve comes over and asks if we are raking.  I say no, just for today we are playing.  And maybe I needed the day I had yesterday to remind of the sweetness of tomorrow, the promise to start again, to enjoy the smiles and giggles of my little ones............. 

And now the kids are quiet, the house is clean and there is a couch, some tea and a book awaiting me.........(((sigh)))..........joy being found in the little things today.  

And, yes, Suzi.......the book is just as good as you would imagine it to be.......will give it to you Sunday, I will definitely be done with it and it's not due for two weeks yet :)