More For Me Than Anything, Really

In this life, in my marriage it seems there are moments of caregiving and those who freely take the care that is being offered. It seems to work itself out that there is a balance. It took quite awhile to discover this balance for I was one who was desperate for love from early on. My mother once made an astute comment that I was never quite myself unless I was being loved and loving someone - not exact words but I did relish being "in love". For so long I spent time pouring love into others, becoming exactly what they needed, what I thought they needed. I was happy, in a sense, for I did love "being in love" and being part of a whole but this did not make me whole. I spent so much time trying to be everything, do everything I could to stay "in love". Looking back I lost a bit of myself each time while taking on the personality of who I thought I needed to be. Now I look back and see that those boys weren't the problem but I was. I was looking for something earthly, something not quite right to make me whole. Before meeting Joe I started to see what it was I needed. I needed to be right with myself, find who I was in God, find love from my Father to make me complete. For my mother was right, I wasn't quite happy unless in love. I found the love of my Father before finding the love of my life. I haven't gotten it quite right yet - this relationship with my Father, I struggle with the daily habits, with the knowledge of Him........and I hadn't gotten it right even before I met Joe but I started on a journey and then God, who knows me better than anyone, knows my heart and my thoughts and my innermost self, led me to Joe. This man who loves me for who I am even though I drive him crazy at times. This man who saw who I was and never asked me to calm down, slow down or be less obtrusive. This man who takes care of me like no one else, who keeps me safe and keeps me wrapped in his arms day and night. This man who makes me feel beautiful and sexy and kisses me each day whether I turn to him or not. I love him and I love that he was sent to me from God, for I believe that I would have gone searching anywhere for love, done anything, compromised who I was in the pursuit of being a wife, a mother and it is only through God that He lead me to this place, this perfect place for me. Thank you, God, for knowing me better than I know myself. Thank you for leading me to this man.