Late Night Musings......

I am little bit terrified............just a bit.

I like to be good at things.  I like to have it all together.

I am a good mom.  I say this because I love my kids, I spend a ton of time with them, I read books, I take them to the park, I try to teach them about the important stuff.  I am guessing you are a good mom too.

I am a good wife.  My good times make up for the times when I am not so great.  So overall I would say I am a good wife.  I am guessing you are too.  Love and grace and mercy and all that good stuff make for a good marriage and, thankfully, forgive those times when I become that other person that isn't so lovely.

That's been it for a few years.  Wife and mother.  Challenging, yes.  But mistakes go unnoticed by most and the ones who notice are the ones who love me best.  And, well, I thrive in this role, this life I have been living.  I love it.  And when I don't I have a few friends I call and we laugh and share and compare days and all of a sudden it doesn't seem so bad.  Plus my rockin' husband helps.......and my precious kiddies.

But a few weeks ago we opened up our family, our home to others.  We want to lead a group in raising kids in Christian community.  We want families to have the time and space to learn about God's plan for them, to pray together, to delve into His word together.  We want to share ideas and plans.  We want accountability for families.  We want to serve together.  We want to camp together, eat meals with one another, pray together, live life together.  Sounds great, huh?  We think so.

But did you catch it?

We are suppose to be the leaders right now.

This seemed like a good idea at one point.  I am not sure when because it's feeling a bit uncomfortable now..........especially when the pastor and his wife want to come hang out with you at your house and I am pretty sure that their 5 year old son has a better understanding of God's word than I do.  Plus he said that the disciples had dirty feet at the Last Supper because of all the walking they did and there was poop on the ground from the animals and that kid did not even crack a smile while I giggled just a bit.  I think that says something about his maturity level as compared to mine. (By the way, this is one of the coolest kids I have ever met.  I could sit and listen to him for hours, literally.  He's seems to be amazingly mature and then the next second you realize he's still just a little kid as his eyes light up and he talks about going on a bunny hunt in the backyard.)

So I like to be good at things.  I like to have it all together.

Why?

Because it's easy.

I don't have to rely on anyone else or admit to my shortcomings or be humbled.

Funnily enough I have been asking God to humble me.

It looks like it's happening.

I am so not good at this.

Time to get down on my knees, ask for help, acknowledge my inability to do it all on my own.

Time to stop using google as my main search engine and look to His word.

Time to listen, to seek, to ask, to hear.

Pray for me, for us?