Breaking the Silence

It's been awhile.

There are a quite a few reasons why - some good, some not so good.

When I get overwhelmed or things pile on I tend to put my head down and focus on details and getting things done just right and the things that I want to get right are the things that people see.

I quit Facebook..........again.

It's good for me to do that.

But when I quit Facebook there are no eyes on my blog so it doesn't seem as important or necessary or like something I want to spend time on.

And, well, it takes a while to write a post.  Not a long time, usually, but still time and time is something that seems more precious as it marches on.

And yes I squander it on things that don't matter and things that aren't the best after the sun sets and the eyes are not on me and my brain shuts down.  So I have been letting hours drift by as the pictures on a screen move by and my mind seems at rest for once during the day.

But oh my how deceptive that is for while my mind is at rest it seems it is being infiltrated by the images and messages that are being flashed at it.  And while I can't see myself ever giving up the wonders of the pictures on a screen (oh Parenthood how you break and lift my heart with every episode), I realize that perhaps my time might be better spent elsewhere...........some of the time.

And so I find myself sitting here on a windy, warm spring day watching words flow across a screen rather than pictures, writing rather than cleaning or folding or putting away.............and it feels good and right............even as I know that very few will ever see them.

I thank my friend who knows me well who sent me words this morning reminding me that February 20th was the last time I sat here like this.  She knows it's a sanctuary of sorts and wanted to remind me of that.

I need sanctuaries.  I need places where I go to find Jesus.  I need silence and stillness and my thoughts to be on Him and what He is telling me rather than what others are telling me.

I have realized of late how much I influence my children and that what they pick up from me is not always what I say or even what I try to act out in front of them.  I wonder about that nature vs. nuture thing as my fears and insecurities are played out in front of me in people smaller than I, people unable to hide who they are from those around them.  How amazing it is to see, this guilelessness of children.

And what I see is that it is not the rule following nature of my husband being played out in the lives of my children.  Rather, at times, I see the people pleasing nature of their mother at work in their lives and hearts.  And it's disheartening.  I see them follow rules not because they believe in the absolute authority and rightness of the rule.  I see them follow rules because people are watching and they are wondering what they are thinking of them.

Oh my babes.

I'm sorry.

I look back on the last few months and I see how the time and energy that I am putting into things comes, sometimes, from not wanting to look foolish or wrong or stupid in front of people.  I see how paralyzed I become being in situations that aren't comfortable, that are new and I scramble to figure out what is required, what I am to say, how I am to act.  It takes all my energy and focus NOT. TO. MESS. UP.

And I let slip the areas where no one is watching.

I let slip the things that, in reality, matter most to me.

I let slip the moments that have made up this blog for so long.....not just the mommy moments, but the wife moments, the God moments, the soak up this life moments that fuel me.

So my babies.............I will try not so hard.

I will learn to let go.

I will learn that those moments in front, in the new, in the uncomfortable are reserved for the glory of God to shine through and not the glory of your momma.

I will learn that the approval of others can never be the measuring stick for my worth.

I will learn to turn off, shut down, back away from anything that threatens to consume areas of my life reserved for you, your daddy, the Father.

I will do this not so much for myself but for you.

I want you to walk in the freedom that comes from walking in the Light.

I want you to experience life untethered from other's expectations, untethered from your own unrealistic expectations.

I see...........I see how you are watching and learning.

And if all else fails..........watch your daddy.........and your Father.

I love you, my babies.