LIFE

Today is the day.........

It seems as if it will go on forever, yet you can't imagine it starting............because for it to start, to begin will make it true and real and you just want to crawl back in bed and stay there forever.............

Because maybe then you wouldn't have to face today.

It wouldn't have to happen, but..............

Today is the day.

It's the day after.

When life has to go back to normal, only it's not the normal you wanted or thought would ever happen.

And as I read today the wish is that it will get easier.........right?

I don't know.

I think so.......but maybe not in the way I imagined before.

I used to think that things could be fixed.

I used to think that pieces could be put back together.

I used to think problems were something you solved.

I used to think that losses were something you got over.

I used to think that there was moving on, starting over.

I used to avoid, entirely, feeling pain or anger or sorrow.

But as I grow older I have a new perspective..........

I just keeping seeing a person limping and all the series of events that are brought about by a circumstance that leaves you crippled.........I see the beginning when you rage and you are angry and even just every day activities are painful and hard and take seemingly forever and you mourn who you were and who you were suppose to be.  I see every day when you have to work hard to get to the next day, to take the next step........becoming this new person, a person that lives with a limp......it effects everything.

But I can also see further ahead..........still limping, but living with it.  You learn that you can walk again, gingerly, but you can step out and begin to tentatively hope again.  The limp has started to become part of you, you are more accustomed to it.

And then one day, still with the limp, you find yourself dancing to some music or running to meet a friend and you think........oh my gosh......I didn't think I could do that anymore..........but you can.  One day.

And I still can't imagine a time when you are happy that the crippling occurred, I can't imagine thinking that........and I don't know if that's right or wrong.   But I can imagine a time when the limp simply is part of who you are but not what defines you.   And you will have learned to dance again, to walk again, to run again, to do everything you did before.............never rid of the tiny limp that accompanies you along the way and therein lies the hard part, the aching part, the confusing part..........while you never would wish for the crippling............you wouldn't wish it all away.


The limp is the reminder and it is bittersweet.


Just like life........bittersweet, unsolvable, joyous, messy, glorious LIFE.