YES.

Psssst.

Psssst.

Yeah.  I am talking to YOU, again.

I just wanted you to know I AM SO EXCITED.  I can hardly stand it.

Really.

You see.........well, there is ALL THIS STUFF going down in my my life and in my tiny part of the world and I have ALL THESE IDEAS.

(This is when if you are the YOU that is living around me, you start getting a bit scared :)

And I kind of just wanted to see if  YOU had any ideas or thoughts or dreams that you are dreaming....

Because you see I have been SO BLESSED.

I was born into a family where my parents, from day one, have told me that I CAN DO ANYTHING.  I mean I knew that I couldn't.  I knew that I wasn't going to take the world by storm with my swimming, singing, acting, academics, beauty, etc.  I mean I knew that.

But they seemed to have NO IDEA.

And so the idea was planted in ME that........well, maybe?  Maybe I can?

Then I met along the way a few friends........in college, on the streets of SW Canton :), in a Village....and, for some reason, they thought I was AWESOME.  I was built up.  I was loved.  I was encouraged.  And oh, my friends?  We ALWAYS laugh.......and I learned that life was good and people outside of my family could love me fully, too.

And I thought.....yes?  A small, maybe-filled yes I can....but what?

Then I met my love.  And part of discovering the true love of my life is that he looked at my with eyes that didn't want to change rather they wanted to cherish.   In loving me, he gave me the confidence to believe in who I was, in what I could do.  He thought I was AMAZING and at that point.......well, who was I to disagree?

And so my yes, I can became a bit louder.  I began to allow the dreams and the thoughts and the ideas to be verbalized.  I began to write.  I began to say silly things, impossible things because.....well, maybe?

And somewhere in the midst of the family foundation and the friends and the love, I found a Father.  A Father who, with words and with experiences and through His people, began to show me what HE saw when he looked upon His daughter.   And He showed me that all things are possible but maybe not quite in the way that I thought they are.  That "all things being possible" isn't a free pass to heal every disease, to end every hardship, to make all things exactly as we want them but maybe it's more complicated than that, more mysterious, more giving us the freedom to dream and imagine and then do..........I don't know exactly.  But I do know that He took that gift that my parents, my friends, my love gave me  - that belief, that love, that knowledge of who I was - and He turned my small, timid yes into.......

YES, YES I CAN!!!   All those dreams and ideas and thoughts and imaginings..........well, I don't know if they will happen or come about but I am not going to let them die in my head, in my heart.

AND I DON'T WANT YOUR IDEAS AND DREAMS AND THOUGHTS TO GET TRAPPED AND DIE BEFORE THEY EVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY.

Failure not an option?

THAT IS CRAP.

Failure is never even trying.

Failure is thinking you can't.

Failure is not recognizing dreams and ideas and thoughts as life and possibility and beginnings.

Failure is thinking you are not good enough.

Failure is giving up the dreaming just because you aren't in a season when you can DO.

Failure is letting your NO be louder than your YES.

Failure is missing opportunities to tell others YES to their ideas and dreams.

You WILL make mistakes.

You WILL have to try again.....and again......and again.....and then again.

You WILL have to keep saying yes.

You WILL do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing.

You WILL be made stronger though trials and hardships and discomfort.

BUT......BUT.....it doesn't mean that you have FAILED.

And so today I want you to know that I BELIEVE in your dreams and your craziness and the words that God whispers to your heart but you are quick to dismiss because too many people have said NO to you or told you things about yourself that just aren't true.

YES.

YOU CAN.

Oh and........by the way............this is kind of a dangerous road to get on......because you see?

Your dreams?

Your ideas?

Your thoughts?

Ummm.......well, once you start?  Once you find your voice and you take a step?

Well, there's the next step and the next step and the next and one day you will find yourself in a place that goes WELL BEYOND your dreams and your thoughts and your ideas and you will wonder HOW ON EARTH DID I GET HERE?

And you will look back and realize it all started with an inkling of that thought that formed in your mind when you first said YES.

So..............will you say YES?

With You

So………it's been awhile.

Maybe you thought I forgot?

I didn't.

I never do.

But maybe I take for granted the person I love most.

You came into my life quite unexpectedly.

I had been searching for what seems to be my whole life for YOU.

I had almost given up hope and I thought I was fine on my own…….or at least I pretended to be because everyone says once you stop looking they will come to you.

And so I stopped.

And you appeared.

In your dopey smily face tie and matching suspenders, looking all out of place and rather noticeable in the all-female world of my elementary school.

I was first grade.  You were tutor.

Remember the crush you had on the guidance counselor?

Thank goodness she took a pass and I stepped in.

That seems so long ago and yet…………

Here we are.

Three kids.

Ten years.

And many more to go.

You are my first love, my first real love.

And my last.

You are everything I had hoped for and so much more.

I have watched you grow into the man you are - a preacher man, a teacher man, a man others look up to, a father that others watch, a man who lives each day for his family.

You speak truth, you live truth.

I know that you think you are no big deal and that is part of what makes you great…..the fact that you point others to Him and not to you.

You are my rock.

You are my safe place.

You are the one I want always to come home to.

Thank you for living this life with me.

We are on an adventure, no?

I can't say this is where I thought we would be but no other place I would rather be.

You and me.

Me and you.

Another ten?

Another twenty?

I am a greedy woman.

I want at least fifty more and well, you know me.  Eternity?

Yes.

That's what I want.

With you.

Live

I prayed over a friend the other night, a friend I love who has children I know and love.  It's one of those friends who sees you more in your jammies than she does in regular clothes, the friend that you honestly don't care when she sees your house a mess, the friend where you walk in her house because you know you are always welcome, the friend that you know will last.

And so when I prayed I found myself resisting the words because I didn't want her to think that I was guiding a big decision that she must make.  But I prayed them anyway…….words that were a combination of what I see and, surely, what God sees in her, in her children, in her family.

You see……….my friend?

She is fierce.

She is loyal.

She has a strong voice.

She has a strong sense of justice.

She is one who does not walk away.

Yet her heart breaks easily.

She is easily hurt……..even when she says she isn't :)

She loves much.

And her children?

The same.

Why?

Not because she has sat them down and taught them these things but because she LIVES these things.

And probably I have said these things before and, most likely, I will say them again.  But they matter. It matters that we recognize that our influence comes from our lives.  So many times we get caught up in the pretty and the organized and the well said and the lessons taught.  There are blogs and websites and debates and OH.MY.WORD. that pinterest (yes, yes, I know it's a good thing and helpful and all that for the healthy and rational………but face it mothers are rarely healthy and rational at all times - guard your hearts against the perfection found on a page, rarely is it reflected in the every day, in the 24/7 business of motherhood :).

And so today as I walked into my girl's room and looked at their dry erase board hanging on the wall……well, I had a moment.  One of those mommy moments when I might have cried a happy tear or two and felt that proud swell of my mother's heart.  For on their board I saw what they had written…….

"I'm thankful for………."

And their board was beginning to be filled with their thanks.   The childish, first time scrawl of my four year old writing "ANNIE" nearly broke me.

And I walked out and saw our "path" in our dining room.  I had this GREAT idea from the bible verse "A voice of one calling: 'In the wilderness prepare the way for the LORD; make straight in the desert a highway for our God." - Isaiah 40:3  We were going to have quiet time EVERY NIGHT during December, our abiding month and then write things out on our construction paper path………..didn't happen.  But it did happen some of the time :)  And Nico always has something for me to write on the path.

"Lead on the path by the light of Jesus."

"He will like my gift."

I remember feeling anxious about the not knowing how to TEACH my child to hear from God.  I mean it seems such a crazy thing, a far out there type thing and yet it happens.  I wanted so much for my kids to experience JESUS and GOD and feel that peace and hear the words.

And it's happening.

Not because of a lecture we gave about hearing God.  Not because we sat down and taught a carefully crafted lesson but because we LIVE it and are surrounded by people who live it.  They have walked in on prayer times, on adults sitting at the knees of another, praying words that God has given.  What seemed slightly weird and kooky to me just a few years ago is regular life to them.

So what's my point?

Don't worry so much.

All around me I see women, men who are ordinary people leading extraordinary lives.  They are using the gifts God has given them.  There are parents who battle for their kids who are raising kids who know how to fight the good fight and  stand up to make a difference.   There are parents who treasure and create beauty in their homes and in their lives; they are raising their kids to recognize and value our God as creator.  There are parents who give generously with their time, money, lives and these parents - oh kids, please know that every time your mom or dad is away they are wondering how it is affecting you - and they are teaching their kids that "you before me" is the only way to live.  There are parents who go to work each day, not loving what they do but loving who they do it for and they are teaching their kids the value of sacrifice and supporting their family.

Oh my.

You are teaching so much.

Your children are learning so much.

I stand in awe of the lives I am able to witness every day.

And I am so encouraged and blessed that my children are able to witness them too.

For I am not everything my friend is - not in the same way.

And that's ok.

We aren't just parents to our own.  We belong to one another.

And so I am joyful on this day that together our lives are making a difference.  I am joyful that our lives are able to speak for themselves and we don't need to rely on perfectly scripted lessons or perfectly crafted moments.  We simply need to rely on Him…….and, well, it helps to have one another.

So thankful for my fierce friend and her not so easily contained heart.

So thankful for the others who have joined us, who are teaching our children how to be generous, how to love well, how to pray, how to stand strong in the word, how to go against the grain when it counts, how to forgive, how to have grace, how to speak truth gently and lovingly, how to experience joy, how to worship, how to have fun, how to be trustworthy, how to work hard and so much more.

You are a gift.

You are part of the reason I don't worry nearly as much as I might have before.

So don't worry so much, just LIVE who you want your children to be.

Oh and it helps if you have some AWESOME people join you along the way………

I Believe

"Comfort, comfort my people, says your God."

Yes Lord…….comfort is what we need.  Comfort is what we seek.  This world seems so hard and unfair and unexpected………except we come to expect the tragedy, we come to expect the world to break open and we fall through, we fall down, we fall to our knees, O God.

God, we seek your comfort……..

"A voice of one calling 'In the wilderness prepare the way for the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our God.  Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain.  And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all people will see it together.  For the mouth of the Lord has spoken."

God…….God………the valleys are seeming low, the ground is rocky, the rugged places surpass the smooth and straight.  Come, Lord Jesus, come.  I want to see the valleys raised up, the mountains made low, the rough patches smooth………Lord, I want to see GLORY.  I want all to be revealed…….I want to see your ways, your plan, your heart in this place.

Lord, I am calling out……making a way for You because there seems to be nothing else to do.  I cannot make right the things of this world without you.  Nothing makes sense without you.  And so I trust and I have faith and I don't try to explain away what I can't know…….instead I look forward, one step at a time and I call out to you.

"A voice says, 'Cry out.' And I said, 'What shall I cry?' 'All people are like grass and their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.  The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them.  Surely the people are grass.  The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever."

Oh Lord.

I am crying out.

My heart is crying out.

My plea is for you, Lord.

My plea is for this world to be made yours again.

I have felt your breathe upon me, Lord.  I have seen evidence of the fleeting nature of this world.

Lord, I know that you are good.  I know that you love.  I know that you endure forever.

But today……..today I feel the breath and I feel the withering and I see the falling.

Let me see evidence of You.

"Do you not know?  Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Oh, Lord, I know.

I have heard.

You…….I cannot fathom.

Nor can I try.

Give strength to the weary.

Give power to the weak.

Lift up those who cannot stand on their own.

Give foundation to those who are falling.

Renew them, Lord, renew them.

We are tired, Lord.

We are weary.

We are stumbling in this world.

All we can do today is make way for you.

Today I clear a path, I make a space and I sit.

I wait.

I trust.

I believe.

Morning Talk

(In the girl's room getting ready for the day with Fia and Francesca)

I am helping Francesca get on her clothes which consist of a skirt, leggings, turtleneck and shirt......she starts gagging when she puts on the turtetneck.  Why this surprises me I don't know........the child gags at almost every meal.  Thankfully she doesn't throw up and the turtleneck stays on.

Fia's contribution?

Fia: I throw up a little in my mouth at school.  The food comes up and stays in my mouth and I just swallow it.  It's ok.  

Huh.

Never knew that.

(Still in the girl's room)

Francesca is twirling around with a monkey that Zia Maria gave me.  Yes, my sister-in-law gave me a stuffed monkey.  She was referencing the fact that her cousin asked where the monkey was when I started laughing one day early on in my relationship with Joe.  To her credit she didn't realize it was the new girlfriend in the room that was laughing.  The story stuck and I was known for my monkey laugh since then.  Charming, I know :)

Fia:  You know Francesca that is really mommy's monkey.  Zia Maria gave it to her.  It's yours now but one day you can give it to your daughter and then she can give it to her daughter and then we will all be dead.

Huh.

Another gem.  Who knew that Zia Maria was buying an heirloom monkey that would live on after we were all dead one day.

(Walking into the kitchen)

Nico:  M-O-M!! I CANNOT CRISS CROSS IN THESE PANTS! SEE! SEE! (As he is yanking at the inseams of the pants......for those of you not in the know he is referring to criss cross applesauce - the appropriate way of saying indian style now)

Mom:  Ok.  Could you have told me that without yelling.

Nico: Sorry.  Yes.  But MOM why did you put these jeans out for me?

Mom:  I. didn't. know. (I tend to speak very slowly and calmly when the children get in their hysterical something is bothering me and feels out of control mode.)  Why don't we go see if there are some other pants we can find, ok?

Nico:  Ok (sigh)

Mom:  Oh here are some but wait they don't match you shirt, let's see if we can find other pants so you don't have to change your shirt.

Nico:  Why do they have to MATCH?

Fia:  Oh she always wants EVERYTHING to match (as if this is something akin to torturing small, fluffy kittens PLUS have you seen my children?  Hardly fashion plates and most of the time Francesca doesn't altogether match because she adds accessories or clothing items at the last moment that makes her look like a homeless diva or Madonna in the 80s after a really, really rough night.).

Mom:  Here.  I found some other jeans.

And the morning continues with basketball class, jewelry making and more in the basement.

How's your morning been?

To My Girls.........and Jani, a warrior mother.

One day, far from now, you will find yourself in a home, a hospital, a building........and you will be holding a baby.

Oh my girls.

I hope so much for you on that day.  I hope that it went easy and the way that you wanted it to.  I hope that your precious babe is healthy and screaming loud.  I hope that you and your husband feel that sense of joy and excitement that your father and I felt on the day that each of you were born.  I hope that I am there.........well after all the bloody and horrible bits occur......I apologize if you are disappointed in your mother for not being one who thinks the birthing process is beautiful.  It just isn't.

And if for some reason none of the above is true.......just know it's a day and just like a wedding doesn't determine a marriage, a birth doesn't determine a life.  How you got into the world is not so important as how you are cared for and live in that world.

And, girls, I want to talk to you for a moment about that first year.

It will seem like the BIGGEST, MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER that you just had a baby.

And it is.

It will be to you.

It will be to your husband.

It will be to your family.

But it's one day.  And the year that follows is just one year in a string of hopefully many, many years to come.

And so I want you to remember that what happens in that year is important in that you need to feed your baby, they need to sleep, they need lots of love, they need to have shelter and be clothed.  You need to hold them and comfort them when they cry.  Make sure you change their diaper lots and wash their tiny, little selves.  Help them to sleep safe, ride safe and play safe.  Read books to them.  Kiss them.

Do all those things.

BUT HEAR ME NOW GIRLS.

IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW YOU ACCOMPLISH THOSE THINGS.

How you birth them, feed them, diaper them, sleep them, comfort them and keep them is up to you, my loves.  And if by chance someone makes you feel as if you are LESS because of how you accomplish those things.........walk away, girls.  Just walk away.

We, mothers, have a tendency to get so wrapped up in our world and our crusades and our soapboxes and our precious babies.  We care so much about our little ones and, to be honest, are scared.  We are scared that we aren't doing things right, that we aren't making the right decisions, right choices and so we have to BELIEVE in what we are doing and sometimes that means we hurt others or ourselves with our fervent beliefs.

Motherhood makes you sensitive.

Motherhood makes you strong.

Motherhood makes you crazy.

Motherhood makes you rally for your child which has become your cause.

Motherhood makes you certain..........until you aren't.

And so my sweet girls never mistake any method of birthing, feeding, diapering, scheduling, loving, caring, sleeping, keeping as holiness.

It's not.

It's just the first year.

Begin motherhood, not in battle AGAINST other mothers.  But begin motherhood in battle WITH other mothers.

Because honestly?

You will feel as if you are battling those screaming, little creatures that you take home with you from wherever.  It will be a battle to sleep them, feed them, clothe them, and continue to like them (The saying is true..........you DO always love them but liking them is another story).  And you need other warriors in the battle with you.

Warriors who like your children when you don't.

Warriors to call and laugh with when your whole day has been tears and peeing pants and throwing things (and that's just what I was doing...........)

Warriors who will bring food or drinks or distractions.

Warriors who watch your kids.

Warriors who look beyond the mom debates and see to the heart of the mom.

Warriors.

Find your warriors, girls.

And BE a warrior for other moms.  Be the safe place, the honest place.

And I will be yours.

I love you.

Hot? Probably not...... :)

This past week we were at a birthday party - a birthday party with old friends, celebrating 2 years of their beautiful, crazy-fun boy.  One of the girls walked in and just shook her head and said, "What.  What is it?  You look...........hot.  Did you lose weight?  Did you cut your hair?  What?"

Ha.  Still giggling over her words.

We met these wonderful people - so many of them - about three years ago.  Three years ago when my babies were all still at home.  Three years ago when they were all newly married and bright-eyed and wearing funky, cool thrift store clothing or clothing found in a mom's/grandmother's closet or bought in some far away land when they were traveling/living there.  They would walk into our house, to church and they would be rested and they would have just exercised that day or spent time cooking/reading/hanging out/cleaning/working ALONE, no little ones following them all the live long day.   Then there would be Joe and I with our littles - 4, 3 and 1.  We were never rested.  We were rarely alone.  We never exercised anymore.  Our tribe was loud and lovable and eager and always messy.  It was like we were some other breed of creature and I still appreciate how welcomed we were.

Ha.  I still giggle at the picture we made and the misconceptions of the ones without little ones.

(One of my favorite stories from that time - which we tell over and over - was the first time we met most of these people.  It was at a get together at the Barger house.  We were some of the only ones with kids.  We were sitting down at this table with our three kids and Francesca gets "the look" and starts choking.  No biggie.  She did it all the time, still does quite frequently.  We run her over to the side of the deck and let her throw up in the bushes and then sit down and finish our potluck.  Not everyone else was so unfazed by this......or the eating habits of a 3 and 4 year old.  Not to mention Joe finishing the mess of food from the children's plate...........the same childless woman at that table?  Now pregnant with number 2.......number 1?  Yeah, she sat on my lap Monday night, stuck her finger up her nose and pulled out a little present.......I nearly vomited.  How, indeed, the tides have turned :)

And so now.........the newly marrieds are the newly babied :)  They have little ones, are pregnant with their seconds and the tides have turned.  And every time I see this wonderful woman and she exclaims over me and says what happened and what have I done with myself?

Oh my.

I got some sleep.

I have some space.

I shower BY MYSELF WITH NO LITTLE ONES SCREAMING OR NEEDING ME.

I don't chase anymore.

Everyone goes to the bathroom/dresses/feeds themselves.

The little ones help cook/clean.

We have dinner conversation.

My kids and I can play things we BOTH enjoy.

I can say, "HEY.  Mom needs a little time.  Go play." AND THEY DO.

So what happened?

It's not the bangs.  It's certainly not the body.  It's not anything.  It's just.......well........

Life happened.  It went on.  Babies got bigger.  We entered a new phase.

And it's good.

Just as good as the one before.

And just as good as the one to come after will be.

And, I don't know, I just want to encourage those of you in the midst of that phase that it's ok.  It's ok to be tired and wear your jammies all day.  It's ok to not feel great and to resent the little ones and lose your patience, at times.  It's ok to have laundry that's piled up and dishes that are never done.  It's ok to not be ok.

I once cried at Christmas because my brother bought me all these clothes from Banana Republic - dry clean only, pretty clothes that had no place in my life at that time.  They didn't fit my body, they didn't fit my life and I cried.  I cried because my mom had gotten me a matching jogging-type outfit and it did fit.  It fit my body and my life and I thought that was just going to be it.  Me in a matchy-match pink and black jogging outfit for the rest of my life and there was going to be no more room for pretty clothes and white tops and cool jeans.

And I know that there are moms out there that do white tops and pretty clothes and bright smiles through the baby years.  They look great and the love that time and they get sleep and they just do it somehow.

I wasn't one of them.

I loved my babies and I was a good mom and I played and I created and I got through and did it well.  But it wasn't always pretty and it wasn't always fun and I cried and I laughed a lot because nothing gets so bad that you can't find a way to laugh in the midst of it all.

And so I just want to say............it's ok.  Whatever you are feeling, whatever you see when you look in the mirror, whatever is happening behind closed doors at home with the little ones........it's ok.

You'll survive.

They'll survive.

And you will have a TON of great stories at the end of it all.........