My Babies No Longer

Do you remember the first feeding, the first smile, the first word, the first step?

Do you remember all the firsts of your babies?

If it's not as clear as it once was and the names and the faces get mixed up as time goes on…..well, I certainly remember the awe and wonder.  Even this mama, a self-proclaimed NOT LOVER OF THE BABY YEARS, remembers the wonder and the excitement.  

IT SEEMED MONUMENTAL, these firsts.

I remember, too, thinking at some point that the firsts are over and babyhood is behind and the wonder is almost up.  My last and craziest is four, almost five and acting older then the others did in many ways.  We are done with naps and my boy just announced he was too old to cuddle and there is much more independent play and friends reign supreme in our house.  The favorite person ranges from Steve (yes, our 60-some year old neighbor who calls to tell of baby birds hatching or will talk endless and patiently to a four year old) to Destiny to Stephen to Annie or, well, really any Mullins relation that happens to wonder over.  Parents are no longer the end all be all of the world - the imaginary world or real, depending on the mood or the day.

And yet……………

I find there to be so much more wonder and awe in my world than before.  

Surprising, isn't it?

It, to be honest, took me unaware.  And maybe it's an eye-opening, heart-opening season for me - one that is teaching me that there is beauty in all ages and stages of life - even my children's lives.

It's happening more and more often that I stop and I stare and I sit and I pay attention or listen or look and I find that my babies are not babies but these real-life people with real-life thoughts and concerns and ideas and opinions.  And I wonder how did we get from talking about letters and numbers and shapes and what would you like for snack and yes, you are wearing those socks and no, you can't do that and yes, it is SO YOUR BEDTIME and please, please let mama have a moment to………

THIS.  Ahhhh, the magic of THIS time and THIS stage.  This time when we stop dead in the middle of the day, in the front yard where we are pulling weeds because a question is asked and lo and behold an answer is given and it leads to this strangely grown up conversation.  I want to take a step back and say wait, wait!!  Let me get the camera!  I want to record every moment of this, every word you are saying. Is this happening?  Are we TALKING?  It was the most incredible moment.  And I know our yard looks like crap and the weeds are everywhere but listen, people, when you are laying down roots and watching them take hold you don't have time to mess with the earthly weeds.  And so we stopped and we sat in the sun and we TALKED.  It was glorious.

THIS occurs when you watch this HUGE boy-child at the dinner table scarfing down food and asking for more and proclaiming your food the best ever and can he have more.   I can't tell you how many times I have stared at this boy and wonder WHEN DID HE GROW?  But grow he did and can I tell you?  He and I are allies in this house of sensitivity and seriousness.  I will always allow that the others are better.  They just are.  They are more aware.  They are better behaved.  They, most likely, will never offend anyone.  They know how to act and what the rules are and will never cause serious discomfort.  They are the better people.  My boy and I?  Well, we say the wrong things………AND IT IS SO FUNNY…….if only to us.  And my love keeps warning me that NOT EVERYONE WILL THINK IT'S FUNNY.  And so I try to temper the silly with the serious but it's so hard when we get to laughing and their seriousness just makes it all the more funny.  

THIS occurs when you are in the car and everyone is tired and there is much talk OVER and OVER about the same thing.  My patience is wearing thin and I am about to lose it with the one in the back - that boy-child whose temper sometimes can boil over and WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT?  My goodness.  The issue?  The I can't possibly every forgive you for this?  He did not go to Safety City last year.  MY WORD.  SUE ME.  WE ACTUALLY TOOK OUR KIDS TO IDLEWILD PARK AND SPLASH ZONE AND STORYBOOK FOREST.  Apparently this is AWFUL because my boy did not get to ride a tricycle around a made up city in an unair-conditioned elementary school building for 2 hours last summer and IT HAS RUINED HIS WHOLE LIFE or so it seemed for those MANY, MANY minutes in the car.  So just as mama was about to turn around and throttle her beloved child…………..her other beloved child, that last, unbelievably magical, always messy, always unpredictable one who is, indeed, going to Safety City this year?  Well, she says in the most dead-panned of voices………."I'll take a picture for you."  And such is the beauty of the last.  Those birth order books have it right………oh my is she silly and always she makes us laugh……"I'll take a picture for you."  We laughed out loud.  The mood broken.  Classic.

So I am learning, as I am sure most mamas do, that time is precious.  ALL TIME.  That being a mama is a forever job and a forever joy.  And yes, it's not all good.  It's not all perfect.  As evidenced by the fact that I am happily sitting on my parent's porch writing this…….not tucking my precious ones into bed but tucking myself into a comfy chair and basking in the stillness.  But oh my……..these glimpses, these moments, these firsts………..I treasure them.  

I am reminded so often that there are many things that I love and am passionate about and am willing to sacrifice so much for but there is nothing that grounds me so much as my husband and my children.  They are my glimpses of what God must feel when He views us.  They are my peek into what Love is. They are my joy.

The Middle Place

There's beauty in the middle place, isn't there?

It's not the beginning.  The beginning where you think that you have it all figured out but inside are terrified because you don't KNOW.  And all I can remember about the beginning is wanting to KNOW.  I wanted to KNOW so many things - all those things of where am I going to go to college?   what job will I have?  will I EVER get married?  what about kids?  where will I live?  who will I be? who will love me?  who the heck am I?  It's almost as if there is TOO much possibility at the beginning and not enough knowing.

The middle is the space in time when you get to look back at how far you have come, where God placed you and why it has worked and led you to the now of your life.  Or maybe it's that you placed yourself somewhere and God worked through that and you arrived where you are now.  No matter.  Now you can look back and see the shaping and molding of who you are now - the crushing times, the carving times but also the first steps and the first wins that led to NOW.

NOW being the middle place.  Not middle aged quite yet..............but no longer are you YOUNG to anyone but your parents or the little old ladies in grocery stores that smile while staring longingly after you and your parade of children.

NOW is the space where you allow for a bit of now knowing because you have the ability to look back and know that all is temporary and shifting and that life is predictable only in that it is completely unpredictable.

NOW is knowing it's not forever and so you treasure it a bit more rather than wishing it away for what comes next.

NOW is relaxing into who you are a bit more rather than chasing after who it is you want to be.

NOW is a narrowing of the options, a refining of what your life is to be, what matters most.

NOW is knowing you don't have it altogether but not EXPECTING to have it all together.

NOW is a bit of perspective.

But, perhaps even more exciting, still there is the space and place that is to COME.  Because you are in the middle you realize that the now of your life is good and important but it's still a building block, a step for what's to come.  You still get to dream and imagine what's next and you get to be a part of it all.  And NOW you know that there will be crushing and carving and hard stuff but there will also be the wins and the PHEW I made it and I made it BIG moments of life.

So tonight I allow myself a look back............a look back at my plans, my ideas of what NOW was going to look like, my uncertainty, my dreams and my fears.   And I can't help but think I can't imagine my NOW without YOU.

You being Jesus who saved me, who loves me, who never leaves me, who counters every question/doubt/insecurity with the FORCE of His love and mercy.

You being Joe who loves me for exactly who I am, who gives me space, who saves me from myself even when I am kicking and screaming and wanting to DO IT ALL BY MYSELF.

You being Liga who sees me in such a better light than I ever see myself, who loves my kids, who loves me, who will continue to give and give and give because her heart is compelled to such a life.

You being Jason and Suzi who see me not as I am but as I could/can be, who because they trust me I learn to trust myself, who never seem to tire of my thoughts and questions and ideas.

You being Ashley who is always a phone call away, always waiting to hear another story, always remembering to ask after my family, how do you still know me after one year together and more apart?

You being OH MY WORD my crazy, crazy brother who knows me more than anyone because of a shared history, a shared language, shared years together..........what would I EVER do without you?

And oh my there are so many YOUs and maybe that's the part of the NOW that I treasure most - this ragtag community pulled from the many different spaces and places of my life.  Maybe it's not so much the perspective, the early buds of wisdom, the being ok with not knowing..........maybe it's that it's easier not to know when surrounded by YOU.

So glad to be sharing the middle place with YOU.

The Rescue

It was dark and cold.

It was lonely.

It felt like the end.

Only he wasn't ready for it to be the end.

It was supposed to be the beginning.

Only it seemed like it had been forever since..............before.

Before when he was up on top.

Before when he was in the light.

Before when he was walking with his father.

Before when the world seemed filled with possibilities and adventure.

But now it is after.

And after is down here.

Stuck in a hole.

Dropped from above.

Trapped.

Alone.

After a bit he began to dig.

For he knew that he must get out and so he dug.

He focused on what was happening, on his surroundings and came to the conclusion that he must save himself.

And so he dug.

With tenacity and fervor and desperation............he dug.

And as you can imagine he did not get very far.

But he kept his head down.

He kept on going.

He knew he could do it.

And so he dug and he cried out and he exhausted every single resource he had within himself.

He was bruised and battered, sweat pouring from him, mixing with the dirt that had begun to layer his body.

He was unrecognizable from the young man he was.......the young man from before.

He lay down.

He was too exhausted to move, to dig any further.

He felt as if he just wanted to give up.

And so he lay down and his body, his will seemed to give out and, he not so much fell asleep, he gave in to sleep.

It seemed to be days later........but in reality it was hours...........that he awoke.  He was still bruised and battered and covered with dried and caked on mud but he had discovered within him a small something........maybe it was hope?

And instead of looking down and around at his surroundings............he began to look up.

And he listened.

And he heard.

It was the voice of his father.

The father from before.

The one that he thought had abandoned him.

The one he thought that had forsaken him............was here.

He couldn't see him from the depths of this hole but when he looked up he could see a glimmer of light and heard the faint whispers of the man he had always known and who had always loved him.

He spoke words of love and joy at hearing his son's voice once again.

And then his words were ones of action.

Step by agonizing step he told the boy of what to do.

There were stones to be moved and crevices to discover.  There was a way out.  But it wasn't easy.

It wasn't a quick fix, a mighty rescue from above rather it was a struggle to get up and out.

But this time he had hope and the voice and love of his father from above.  He was no longer looking down - defeated and battered and left on his own.  His father was here.

So inch by inch he made his way up.

He refused to look back down.  He refused to give in to the temptation to do it all on his own - fast and with his own strength.  He had made that mistake before.  He forced himself to go slow, to listen. He would stop and listen for instructions as what to do next, where to go, how to take the next step.

And at long last.................he was there.

He was out.

He was back to the before.

And there was his father, just where he was when he had fallen.

His father had seen the approaching hole, had seen the plunge down and had witnessed the horror of his son falling.

He had cried out to him but his son had not heard them during his desperate attempt to rescue himself.

But here they were.

Together.

And oh what a glorious moment that was.

There was much rejoicing and grasping of one another.  Tears of joy poured down their faces, their feet seemed to almost leave the ground as they danced about.

And that day the son learned that even in the darkest, coldest moments of desperation his father would never leave him.  That even during the times he could not see him, could not hear him.......he was there.

For the father told the son of the many times when he had peered down and he could recount each second of his son's entrapment in great detail.  He told of the hours the son had slept and promised him that he never once closed his eyes, rather he stood watch and stood guard from above.  Never once did he rest.

And the son knew.

He knew then how great a love his father had for him.

He was never forsaken.

He was never forgotten.

He was never left alone.

He was loved.

Breaking the Silence

It's been awhile.

There are a quite a few reasons why - some good, some not so good.

When I get overwhelmed or things pile on I tend to put my head down and focus on details and getting things done just right and the things that I want to get right are the things that people see.

I quit Facebook..........again.

It's good for me to do that.

But when I quit Facebook there are no eyes on my blog so it doesn't seem as important or necessary or like something I want to spend time on.

And, well, it takes a while to write a post.  Not a long time, usually, but still time and time is something that seems more precious as it marches on.

And yes I squander it on things that don't matter and things that aren't the best after the sun sets and the eyes are not on me and my brain shuts down.  So I have been letting hours drift by as the pictures on a screen move by and my mind seems at rest for once during the day.

But oh my how deceptive that is for while my mind is at rest it seems it is being infiltrated by the images and messages that are being flashed at it.  And while I can't see myself ever giving up the wonders of the pictures on a screen (oh Parenthood how you break and lift my heart with every episode), I realize that perhaps my time might be better spent elsewhere...........some of the time.

And so I find myself sitting here on a windy, warm spring day watching words flow across a screen rather than pictures, writing rather than cleaning or folding or putting away.............and it feels good and right............even as I know that very few will ever see them.

I thank my friend who knows me well who sent me words this morning reminding me that February 20th was the last time I sat here like this.  She knows it's a sanctuary of sorts and wanted to remind me of that.

I need sanctuaries.  I need places where I go to find Jesus.  I need silence and stillness and my thoughts to be on Him and what He is telling me rather than what others are telling me.

I have realized of late how much I influence my children and that what they pick up from me is not always what I say or even what I try to act out in front of them.  I wonder about that nature vs. nuture thing as my fears and insecurities are played out in front of me in people smaller than I, people unable to hide who they are from those around them.  How amazing it is to see, this guilelessness of children.

And what I see is that it is not the rule following nature of my husband being played out in the lives of my children.  Rather, at times, I see the people pleasing nature of their mother at work in their lives and hearts.  And it's disheartening.  I see them follow rules not because they believe in the absolute authority and rightness of the rule.  I see them follow rules because people are watching and they are wondering what they are thinking of them.

Oh my babes.

I'm sorry.

I look back on the last few months and I see how the time and energy that I am putting into things comes, sometimes, from not wanting to look foolish or wrong or stupid in front of people.  I see how paralyzed I become being in situations that aren't comfortable, that are new and I scramble to figure out what is required, what I am to say, how I am to act.  It takes all my energy and focus NOT. TO. MESS. UP.

And I let slip the areas where no one is watching.

I let slip the things that, in reality, matter most to me.

I let slip the moments that have made up this blog for so long.....not just the mommy moments, but the wife moments, the God moments, the soak up this life moments that fuel me.

So my babies.............I will try not so hard.

I will learn to let go.

I will learn that those moments in front, in the new, in the uncomfortable are reserved for the glory of God to shine through and not the glory of your momma.

I will learn that the approval of others can never be the measuring stick for my worth.

I will learn to turn off, shut down, back away from anything that threatens to consume areas of my life reserved for you, your daddy, the Father.

I will do this not so much for myself but for you.

I want you to walk in the freedom that comes from walking in the Light.

I want you to experience life untethered from other's expectations, untethered from your own unrealistic expectations.

I see...........I see how you are watching and learning.

And if all else fails..........watch your daddy.........and your Father.

I love you, my babies.

LET IT GO (More than just a Disney song......)

Promise me you won't laugh?

Promise?

I listen to "Let It Go" EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

I haven't even seen the movie.

But I listen to the song and something breaks open inside of me and I cry.

My husband, my son?

They don't get it.  Nico groans openly each time he hears it blasting through the house.

My girls?

They love it.

They grab blankets or scarves or robes and place them over their head and when it's time to let it go they THROW those coverings off and stand tall.  They stomp their feet and raise their hands and start to run.

They get it.

Oh my.........as women how many of us are weighed down by things that are not of God?  Things that push and pull and weigh us down until we are too heavy to even move, weighed down by the burden of perfection, the burden of unrealistic expectations, the burden of who we THINK we should be, the burden of what we perceive to be the perfection of others, the burden of everything WE ARE NOT.

LET IT GO, MY BELOVEDS.

LET IT GO.

This life of burden is not what you were meant for.

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls." - Matthew 11:28-29

You are meant for so much more.  I watch that video and I see the heroine gain confidence and freedom with each note, each step.  I see what she can build, what appears when she unleashes who she was meant to be, what she was created for.  I see her come alive and throw off what she once was and something in me cries out with JOY.

Because I have been that girl.  I have been that woman.  I have been weighed down and covered and still I am susceptible to that burden.  But this past week I read through Matthew 10 and I read......

"The student is not above the teacher, nor a servant above his master.  It is enough for students to be like their teachers, and servants like their masters."  - Matthew 10:24-25

These were some of the words spoken by Jesus as he was sending out the twelve.  The student is not above the teacher........was Jesus expecting perfection?  Was He expecting them to do it all.....alone?

"At the time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you."  - Matthew 10:19-20

Was He expecting them to do BIG things always?  HUGE things?  EARTH SHATTERING things?

"And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones, who is my disciple, truly I tell you that person will certainly not lose their reward."  - Matthew 10:42

Why do we strive for perfection before doing anything?  Is something only worth doing if we can do it better than anyone else?  If only we can do it so it's PERFECT?

NO.

It is ENOUGH for us to be LIKE Jesus.  No one should BE Jesus.

Women.

Throw off the weight of unrealistic expectations.

Throw off the weight of perfection.

Throw off the weight of other's accomplishments.

Throw off the weight of needless preparation to the point of becoming paralyzed by fear.

Throw off the schemes of the devil and put on the armor of God.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefor put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." 
                                                                                                  - Ephesians 6:10-14

When you think that you have to be the good girl and fade from sight......that is not from God.

When you think that you are NOT ENOUGH.............that is not from God.

When you think that you have to do it all alone...............that is not from God.

When you think that you aren't DOING enough............that is not from God.

When you think that you have to be SOMEONE else.............that is not from God.

And make no mistake about it, women, we are in a battle.  These are the battles that we wage and they are not against flesh and blood.  And we must, we must battle these thoughts and these feelings that come so easily to us as women.  We battle not just for ourselves but for our daughters and for our nieces, for our friends and for their daughters.  My heart breaks to think of any, any little one not receiving the gift of knowing that THEY ARE LOVED.

They are loved beyond measure and without comparison by a GOD that is BIGGER AND MIGHTIER than we could ever imagine.

And so let us plant the words........the words that come from GOD.

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

YOU ARE LOVED.

YOU ARE BRAVE.

YOU ARE STRONG.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU ARE A GIFT.

YOU CAN DO GREAT THINGS.

YOU ARE A DAUGHTER OF THE KING.

Yes.

Let's throw off the devil's schemes and put on the armor of God.

Let us reclaim the hearts and the minds of women around us.

Let us reclaim our own heart, our own mind and not give in to the temptation of thinking we are not enough, that we can't.

LET IT GO.

Well……SOMETIMES I Can't…... ;)

So………..here's the thing……..remember my THING with banks?

Well, I kind of have a thing with car dealerships/repair places, too.

They overwhelm me.  I don't get the terminology.  I don't care to…….I would drive my car until it stopped running if it were up to me.  Noises?  Don't hear them.  Red lights?  Don't see them.  Stops and starts, resistance?  Don't feel it.

Now this is not the RIGHT way to be, I am just explaining ME.  How I am.

Again.

Not the RIGHT way.

Also?  I get lost.  EVERY. SINGLE. DANG. TIME.

Why do I still go?

Oh the comfy couches, the coffee, the stillness, the peace, the wifi, it's just really a fabulous place to be.

Seriously.

So today………I WAS PREPARED.  Today was the day.  I was going to have an awesome car shop experience.

Yeah, not really.

It started off well.  Joe put my car keys on top of the coupon and paperwork that I was suppose to take. He had a list of things that needed to done written out.  He said NUMEROUS times….so you will have to look up the directions to get there, ok?  Ok?  Yeah, whatever.  Got it taken care of……..who CAN'T look up directions?  How condescending…………

Ummmmm.  So yeah.

It turns out I CAN look up directions………..just not the right ones.

I am driving up to Akron and I am thinking there is just not something right about it but maybe mapquest was taking me the back way………(like there is such a thing.  Yes, mapquest…..I would like to take the BACK way today)  Anyway, while nothing looked familiar I had utmost confidence in my directions and my ability to get there……because I LOOKED UP THE DIRECTIONS.

My confidence wained as I pulled into a COMPLETELY unfamiliar parking lot.

I COULD. NOT. BELIEVE. IT.

I got out of my car and went in and tried to explain to the girl that I was pretty sure that I was at the wrong place but that my husband made the appointment and reminded me to GET DIRECTIONS.  WHICH I DID…….using the coupon he left.  So maybe I was at the right place?

Wrong.

She referred me to another guy where I had to explain my story again and he was gracious enough to print out MORE directions to the rightful Vandevere where we always go.  You would have thought I would recognize the street name and realize that I was getting directions to the wrong place….but then YOU would be wrong, too :)

So I get BACK in the car and attempt to follow the directions………..one wrong veer later on those GODFORSAKEN highways in Akron and I am LOST.  The trip that according to MAPQUEST was supposed to take 9 minutes has now reached far beyond that estimate.

Throughout this whole ordeal I am calling/texting Liga and she sends me directions (even after I tell her that I am fine that I, miraculously, found the road I was suppose to take…..all roads seem to lead to 77 at some point….., she sends me directions.  Which turned out to be a BRILLIANT move on her part because I did INDEED get lost again).

I eventually make it to the RIGHT car shop and I succinctly explain why I was a tid bit late (yes, apparently it takes SOME PEOPLE over an hour to get from Canton to Akron).

And then comes the part of every visit that requires a great amount of dignity………..where I look that car shop man right in the eye and…….

Hand him the sheet of instructions from my husband.

What's even better is when he asks for clarification on some of the things and I just stare back.

Ummmmm……….what's on the sheet?  Then that.  WHATEVER IS ON THE SHEET.

Finally I am released to the couches and my diet coke and my computer.

It's awesome.  I fall under the car shop spell for over 2 hours as I catch up on e-mails and write a blog post.

I feel a tap on my shoulder and it's time to go.  I pay and then he asks me is there anything more I can help you with?

Ummmm, yes.

How do I get home?

Now it's his turn to stare at me……..where are you from?

I have to get back to Canton, I tell him.  He gives me directions and I am on my way.

And I actually am on the RIGHT way…….what a relief.

Then the phone rings.

Hmmmm……I pick it up.

It's Mike from the car shop.

I immediately say OH MY GOSH DID I LEAVE MY COMPUTER THERE?  MY PURSE?  WHAT DID I LEAVE THERE?

I hear a chuckle.

No, he says.  We just have the wrong paperwork, we need to exchange papers.

I say, Mike is there ANY WAY we can do this without me having to find you again because I don't think that I can.

Well, apparently, Mike is the NICEST car shop man in the world because he is bringing the papers to me.  It turns out that he has a funeral just south of Massillon today and if I still reside at the address on my paperwork then he can just bring them to the house.  I just need to leave the papers in the mailbox for him.  Oh and, he says, if you see a white Sedona pulling into the driveway don't be worried it's just him and he will just drop them in the mailbox.

Well, THANK YOU MIKE.

You have made a Vandevere shopper out of me for life!

YES.

Psssst.

Psssst.

Yeah.  I am talking to YOU, again.

I just wanted you to know I AM SO EXCITED.  I can hardly stand it.

Really.

You see.........well, there is ALL THIS STUFF going down in my my life and in my tiny part of the world and I have ALL THESE IDEAS.

(This is when if you are the YOU that is living around me, you start getting a bit scared :)

And I kind of just wanted to see if  YOU had any ideas or thoughts or dreams that you are dreaming....

Because you see I have been SO BLESSED.

I was born into a family where my parents, from day one, have told me that I CAN DO ANYTHING.  I mean I knew that I couldn't.  I knew that I wasn't going to take the world by storm with my swimming, singing, acting, academics, beauty, etc.  I mean I knew that.

But they seemed to have NO IDEA.

And so the idea was planted in ME that........well, maybe?  Maybe I can?

Then I met along the way a few friends........in college, on the streets of SW Canton :), in a Village....and, for some reason, they thought I was AWESOME.  I was built up.  I was loved.  I was encouraged.  And oh, my friends?  We ALWAYS laugh.......and I learned that life was good and people outside of my family could love me fully, too.

And I thought.....yes?  A small, maybe-filled yes I can....but what?

Then I met my love.  And part of discovering the true love of my life is that he looked at my with eyes that didn't want to change rather they wanted to cherish.   In loving me, he gave me the confidence to believe in who I was, in what I could do.  He thought I was AMAZING and at that point.......well, who was I to disagree?

And so my yes, I can became a bit louder.  I began to allow the dreams and the thoughts and the ideas to be verbalized.  I began to write.  I began to say silly things, impossible things because.....well, maybe?

And somewhere in the midst of the family foundation and the friends and the love, I found a Father.  A Father who, with words and with experiences and through His people, began to show me what HE saw when he looked upon His daughter.   And He showed me that all things are possible but maybe not quite in the way that I thought they are.  That "all things being possible" isn't a free pass to heal every disease, to end every hardship, to make all things exactly as we want them but maybe it's more complicated than that, more mysterious, more giving us the freedom to dream and imagine and then do..........I don't know exactly.  But I do know that He took that gift that my parents, my friends, my love gave me  - that belief, that love, that knowledge of who I was - and He turned my small, timid yes into.......

YES, YES I CAN!!!   All those dreams and ideas and thoughts and imaginings..........well, I don't know if they will happen or come about but I am not going to let them die in my head, in my heart.

AND I DON'T WANT YOUR IDEAS AND DREAMS AND THOUGHTS TO GET TRAPPED AND DIE BEFORE THEY EVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY.

Failure not an option?

THAT IS CRAP.

Failure is never even trying.

Failure is thinking you can't.

Failure is not recognizing dreams and ideas and thoughts as life and possibility and beginnings.

Failure is thinking you are not good enough.

Failure is giving up the dreaming just because you aren't in a season when you can DO.

Failure is letting your NO be louder than your YES.

Failure is missing opportunities to tell others YES to their ideas and dreams.

You WILL make mistakes.

You WILL have to try again.....and again......and again.....and then again.

You WILL have to keep saying yes.

You WILL do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing.

You WILL be made stronger though trials and hardships and discomfort.

BUT......BUT.....it doesn't mean that you have FAILED.

And so today I want you to know that I BELIEVE in your dreams and your craziness and the words that God whispers to your heart but you are quick to dismiss because too many people have said NO to you or told you things about yourself that just aren't true.

YES.

YOU CAN.

Oh and........by the way............this is kind of a dangerous road to get on......because you see?

Your dreams?

Your ideas?

Your thoughts?

Ummm.......well, once you start?  Once you find your voice and you take a step?

Well, there's the next step and the next step and the next and one day you will find yourself in a place that goes WELL BEYOND your dreams and your thoughts and your ideas and you will wonder HOW ON EARTH DID I GET HERE?

And you will look back and realize it all started with an inkling of that thought that formed in your mind when you first said YES.

So..............will you say YES?