VERY BEST SELVES

Recently Joe and I went to conferences for all three of our kids.......that's right, all three in school.  It's glorious and wonderful and weird and sometimes sad but mostly good.

So.......conferences.

To be honest we weren't sure what to expect.  We were on the fence about sending Cesca to kindergarten so we were wondering how that was going.  Nico has been a challenge lately at home.  It seems we did THE MOST HORRIBLE THING IN THE WORLD by not conceiving, adopting or picking up at the store another boy child.  WHAT ON EARTH WERE WE THINKING?!?  Obviously, we weren't thinking solely of Nico's need for another human to play sports with.  So there's that.  And, well, Fia........she's a first born girl.  No surprises at conferences there.  We were just hoping that she was participating more.

So.......conferences.

Turns out?

Our kids save their VERY BEST SELVES for school.

What the heck?!?

Turns out Francesca listens, is very quiet and serious, has lots of friends and works hard.

HUH.

You mean that child who SCREAMS and CRIES at the drop of a hat at home?

The one who when the tv gets turned off at Grandma and Grandpa's house after ONLY ONE SHOW will open her mouth wide enough to fit an entire cantaloupe in and SCREAM at the injustice of JUST ONE DISNEY SHOW (This is when all the judgy parents and childless people will say then she would get NO tv........I know this because I used to be one.  Judge away, my friends, judge away.  I encourage your blissful ignorance :)

HUH.

Turns out she's just a superb little kindergartener and we made the absolute right decision sending her.  Thank you, Mrs. B.

Then it's off to Nico's conference............surely we will have some news at this one.

Mrs. Frantum sits down and gets a bit teary-eyed as she tells us how HELPFUL and KIND and WELL-BEHAVED Nico is, how he is the kid that will help anyone without asking, that when a girl spilled her water bottle and everyone else was in line ready to go that Nico ran to get paper towels and wiped it all up without any asking him to.  Also, he is so willing to help kids with their work, that Mrs. Frantum will pair him with *ahem* a "challenging" student (ie an irritating one - my words not hers......she is the nicest teacher and would never say such a thing, truly) and he will help without complaining.

HUH.

You mean that child who gets up in the morning planning out how to torture and IRRITATE his sisters to no end?

You mean that child when you ask him to wipe up a mess on OUR floor will ask where we keep the towels and say I CAN'T DO THIS?!?

You mean that child who rolls his eyes and challenges us on every front and will scream when frustrated?  THAT CHILD?

HUH.

Turns out he's an angel at school. EVEN WON THE CHARACTER COUNTS AWARD FOR THE SCHOOL.  OH MY WORD.

Then it's off to Fia's conference..............I'm almost scared.  What if SHE'S the problem student now?

Nope.

Mrs. Cook has nothing but good things to say.  She works hard.  Pays attention.  Has great grades.  All of it.  Whole package.

No surprise but certainly not indicative of the eye-rolling, brother-baiting, emotional roller coaster we experience at home.

HUH.

Turns out our kids?...............well, they're a lot like we are as adults.  I don't know about you but I save my VERY BEST SELF for when I am around those I know the least or the ones that are "grading" me, for my boss, for the people I work with, for those outside my immediate circle.

My family?  My close friends?

Oh my.

They could have some stories for you.  Those unguarded, emotional, tired, cranky, every day moments.......those moments are set free in the presence of those I love the most.

And this actually isn't a post about oh why don't we treat those we love most the best?  Why do we save it for those we love least?

Well, because it would be weird.  I hardly want to encourage acquaintances to start EMOTING all over me and around me.  Can you imagine?  What if we began to treat everyone like we do our family, our close friends?

There has to be so much TRUST and LOVE to expose our less than best selves to people and when we do that?  Well, that is when we are challenged to grow, to change, to become the BEST version of ourself that we can.

I am so glad that my kids are doing well in school.  I'm glad their teachers see their BEST selves.  But I'm also glad that they feel safe and loved and trust us enough to show their LESS then best self at home.

Home can the place where they can just be their self - any version of self that they are being at any given moment because ultimately it is not their BEST self that I love..........it's ALL of them that I love.

It Doesn't Get Easier

Ahhhh...........hello my few and faithful.

I know that I have been absent for awhile.

It's been a time of newness and growth and all those highfalutin' words that simply mean absence from reality.

All my thoughts and dreams and poetry are spent on figuring out things and being systematic and the new preacher man today slammed me to a wall when he asked if I do anything without agenda?

Hmmmmm.........

YES.  YES I DO.

Ummm............maybe.

NO.

No, I don't.

My life has been filled with chess pieces being moved here and there and it's good and it's been amazing and I love it and still.........

I wonder what became of the girl who sat at the computer and poured her heart out and wondered if she was a good enough mother, a good enough wife?

How often do I ask those questions now?

This new age, this new era I find myself struggling with.

My kids are older and blessedly in school........hallelujah and praise the lord.

But............

But I am not so good at this parenting thing past 5, past 6.

I wonder who are they, how are they.............I wonder am I doing enough, am I talking enough, am I protecting enough, am I letting go enough?

It's a constant and it's a whirlwind and I miss the crazy days of being at home, all day, every day, all of us in one space, in one time, of one mind.

My kids were my own when they were little and our days were filled with laundry basket fun and bulding block fun and cooking all kinds of craziness fun.

And yes I remember those posts where I was done in and frustrated and tired and wanting a bit of freedom in the midst of ALL. THOSE. KIDS.

But....................

Hmmm.................I wonder if we all have an age at which we excel and I wonder if the age at which I excelled has past?

I hope that I can keep up and read up and play up with the kids I have now.

The 5 year old, the almost 7 year old and the 8 year old going on 30.

Thank the good Lord that I am not alone and that I have an army of people that surround not only me, but my children.

I am calling upon them as I enter into this battle with my children.

This battle that consists of peers and heartaches and inadequacies and anger and overconfidence and so much more.

It's a scary, scary world out there.

One in which I am ill-equipped.

But I have my team and I have my God and, daily, do I called upon them.

Who's on your team?

Who do you call upon?

Parenting is not for the faint of heart, rather for those that are willing to battle......DAILY.....for those that have been placed in their care.

Shhhhh............

So.

I'm, like, "in ministry" now.

It's official.

I have a title.

I'm "on staff".

I actually get paid (it's not a lot but it's more than I was making as a full time wife, mom, cook, lauders, maid, etc. :)

It's weird.

It feels uncomfortable, at times.

I think, maybe, because I didn't grow up in this environment.  I didn't seek this out.  I wasn't educated in the many ways that churches can be run.  I feel a bit like THE MOST AVID attender of Broadway just snuck behind the curtain and is seeing how the magic happens...........and sometimes it's not magic.

It's work.

Just because it's work that revolves around God and His people doesn't make it any more special or different than the work I was doing before............and that was a weird thing to realize.

And in pursuing this life inside the church walls and inside the hearts and the minds of the people who are out doing God's work I find myself wondering....................does any of this matter?

Does my part matter?

Funnily?  Weirdly?  Unexpectedly?

I never doubted that my part mattered when I was at home surrounded by my little ones, kissing my husband hello or goodbye (ok......so maybe once a month I would remember to kiss him and greet my Joe as he LOVES when he comes home....so little to ask and yet, I selfishly stayed on the couch reading books to my kiddies or folding laundry or whatever seemingly important task I was doing.......oh my, this will be what haunts me when we are old and gray and I am wishing for one more day with my Joe...........) and keeping my home.

All those wonderings and questionings from stay at home moms?

Never doubted.

Seriously.

I was probably annoying to many but I was convinced of my place in this world and in my life and I LOVED it.

Now?

Hmmmmm........not so convinced at times.  It's scary.  It's unsettling.  I wonder what He thinks.

I fear that when I am absent from this screen and this space that I have listened so intently for His desires for others and for the spaces I speak into and the people I love and the things I am doing that I forget to just listen.

Just listen.

And hear.

Not speak.

But listen.

In the quiet moments.

In the still moments.

In the chaotic moments.

In the running moments.

In the spinning around and around moments.

Do I hear?

Or am I busy trying to figure things out on my own.

So much of my time is filled with the figuring out and the gathering of information and the pouring into that I wonder where that mom went with her hair pulled back, wearing an old stretched out sweatshirt and black "exercise" pants, playing with her kids with blocks and water and paint and mess who's mind would wander while her body was present.......and in those moments God spoke.  He filled my mind with words and thoughts and pictures and HE SPOKE.

It seems crazy now.

That time.

That easy, hard, exhausting, resting time.

I don't miss it.

And yet...............................

I wonder.

Lord, let me have ears that hear.  Eyes that see.  Let me still my body, my heart, my thoughts so that I have room for You.

Let me not be so busy working for You that I forget loving You and listening to You and knowing You and learning from You.

Thank you for loving me in every season.

I love you.

My Babies No Longer

Do you remember the first feeding, the first smile, the first word, the first step?

Do you remember all the firsts of your babies?

If it's not as clear as it once was and the names and the faces get mixed up as time goes on…..well, I certainly remember the awe and wonder.  Even this mama, a self-proclaimed NOT LOVER OF THE BABY YEARS, remembers the wonder and the excitement.  

IT SEEMED MONUMENTAL, these firsts.

I remember, too, thinking at some point that the firsts are over and babyhood is behind and the wonder is almost up.  My last and craziest is four, almost five and acting older then the others did in many ways.  We are done with naps and my boy just announced he was too old to cuddle and there is much more independent play and friends reign supreme in our house.  The favorite person ranges from Steve (yes, our 60-some year old neighbor who calls to tell of baby birds hatching or will talk endless and patiently to a four year old) to Destiny to Stephen to Annie or, well, really any Mullins relation that happens to wonder over.  Parents are no longer the end all be all of the world - the imaginary world or real, depending on the mood or the day.

And yet……………

I find there to be so much more wonder and awe in my world than before.  

Surprising, isn't it?

It, to be honest, took me unaware.  And maybe it's an eye-opening, heart-opening season for me - one that is teaching me that there is beauty in all ages and stages of life - even my children's lives.

It's happening more and more often that I stop and I stare and I sit and I pay attention or listen or look and I find that my babies are not babies but these real-life people with real-life thoughts and concerns and ideas and opinions.  And I wonder how did we get from talking about letters and numbers and shapes and what would you like for snack and yes, you are wearing those socks and no, you can't do that and yes, it is SO YOUR BEDTIME and please, please let mama have a moment to………

THIS.  Ahhhh, the magic of THIS time and THIS stage.  This time when we stop dead in the middle of the day, in the front yard where we are pulling weeds because a question is asked and lo and behold an answer is given and it leads to this strangely grown up conversation.  I want to take a step back and say wait, wait!!  Let me get the camera!  I want to record every moment of this, every word you are saying. Is this happening?  Are we TALKING?  It was the most incredible moment.  And I know our yard looks like crap and the weeds are everywhere but listen, people, when you are laying down roots and watching them take hold you don't have time to mess with the earthly weeds.  And so we stopped and we sat in the sun and we TALKED.  It was glorious.

THIS occurs when you watch this HUGE boy-child at the dinner table scarfing down food and asking for more and proclaiming your food the best ever and can he have more.   I can't tell you how many times I have stared at this boy and wonder WHEN DID HE GROW?  But grow he did and can I tell you?  He and I are allies in this house of sensitivity and seriousness.  I will always allow that the others are better.  They just are.  They are more aware.  They are better behaved.  They, most likely, will never offend anyone.  They know how to act and what the rules are and will never cause serious discomfort.  They are the better people.  My boy and I?  Well, we say the wrong things………AND IT IS SO FUNNY…….if only to us.  And my love keeps warning me that NOT EVERYONE WILL THINK IT'S FUNNY.  And so I try to temper the silly with the serious but it's so hard when we get to laughing and their seriousness just makes it all the more funny.  

THIS occurs when you are in the car and everyone is tired and there is much talk OVER and OVER about the same thing.  My patience is wearing thin and I am about to lose it with the one in the back - that boy-child whose temper sometimes can boil over and WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT?  My goodness.  The issue?  The I can't possibly every forgive you for this?  He did not go to Safety City last year.  MY WORD.  SUE ME.  WE ACTUALLY TOOK OUR KIDS TO IDLEWILD PARK AND SPLASH ZONE AND STORYBOOK FOREST.  Apparently this is AWFUL because my boy did not get to ride a tricycle around a made up city in an unair-conditioned elementary school building for 2 hours last summer and IT HAS RUINED HIS WHOLE LIFE or so it seemed for those MANY, MANY minutes in the car.  So just as mama was about to turn around and throttle her beloved child…………..her other beloved child, that last, unbelievably magical, always messy, always unpredictable one who is, indeed, going to Safety City this year?  Well, she says in the most dead-panned of voices………."I'll take a picture for you."  And such is the beauty of the last.  Those birth order books have it right………oh my is she silly and always she makes us laugh……"I'll take a picture for you."  We laughed out loud.  The mood broken.  Classic.

So I am learning, as I am sure most mamas do, that time is precious.  ALL TIME.  That being a mama is a forever job and a forever joy.  And yes, it's not all good.  It's not all perfect.  As evidenced by the fact that I am happily sitting on my parent's porch writing this…….not tucking my precious ones into bed but tucking myself into a comfy chair and basking in the stillness.  But oh my……..these glimpses, these moments, these firsts………..I treasure them.  

I am reminded so often that there are many things that I love and am passionate about and am willing to sacrifice so much for but there is nothing that grounds me so much as my husband and my children.  They are my glimpses of what God must feel when He views us.  They are my peek into what Love is. They are my joy.

The Middle Place

There's beauty in the middle place, isn't there?

It's not the beginning.  The beginning where you think that you have it all figured out but inside are terrified because you don't KNOW.  And all I can remember about the beginning is wanting to KNOW.  I wanted to KNOW so many things - all those things of where am I going to go to college?   what job will I have?  will I EVER get married?  what about kids?  where will I live?  who will I be? who will love me?  who the heck am I?  It's almost as if there is TOO much possibility at the beginning and not enough knowing.

The middle is the space in time when you get to look back at how far you have come, where God placed you and why it has worked and led you to the now of your life.  Or maybe it's that you placed yourself somewhere and God worked through that and you arrived where you are now.  No matter.  Now you can look back and see the shaping and molding of who you are now - the crushing times, the carving times but also the first steps and the first wins that led to NOW.

NOW being the middle place.  Not middle aged quite yet..............but no longer are you YOUNG to anyone but your parents or the little old ladies in grocery stores that smile while staring longingly after you and your parade of children.

NOW is the space where you allow for a bit of now knowing because you have the ability to look back and know that all is temporary and shifting and that life is predictable only in that it is completely unpredictable.

NOW is knowing it's not forever and so you treasure it a bit more rather than wishing it away for what comes next.

NOW is relaxing into who you are a bit more rather than chasing after who it is you want to be.

NOW is a narrowing of the options, a refining of what your life is to be, what matters most.

NOW is knowing you don't have it altogether but not EXPECTING to have it all together.

NOW is a bit of perspective.

But, perhaps even more exciting, still there is the space and place that is to COME.  Because you are in the middle you realize that the now of your life is good and important but it's still a building block, a step for what's to come.  You still get to dream and imagine what's next and you get to be a part of it all.  And NOW you know that there will be crushing and carving and hard stuff but there will also be the wins and the PHEW I made it and I made it BIG moments of life.

So tonight I allow myself a look back............a look back at my plans, my ideas of what NOW was going to look like, my uncertainty, my dreams and my fears.   And I can't help but think I can't imagine my NOW without YOU.

You being Jesus who saved me, who loves me, who never leaves me, who counters every question/doubt/insecurity with the FORCE of His love and mercy.

You being Joe who loves me for exactly who I am, who gives me space, who saves me from myself even when I am kicking and screaming and wanting to DO IT ALL BY MYSELF.

You being Liga who sees me in such a better light than I ever see myself, who loves my kids, who loves me, who will continue to give and give and give because her heart is compelled to such a life.

You being Jason and Suzi who see me not as I am but as I could/can be, who because they trust me I learn to trust myself, who never seem to tire of my thoughts and questions and ideas.

You being Ashley who is always a phone call away, always waiting to hear another story, always remembering to ask after my family, how do you still know me after one year together and more apart?

You being OH MY WORD my crazy, crazy brother who knows me more than anyone because of a shared history, a shared language, shared years together..........what would I EVER do without you?

And oh my there are so many YOUs and maybe that's the part of the NOW that I treasure most - this ragtag community pulled from the many different spaces and places of my life.  Maybe it's not so much the perspective, the early buds of wisdom, the being ok with not knowing..........maybe it's that it's easier not to know when surrounded by YOU.

So glad to be sharing the middle place with YOU.

The Rescue

It was dark and cold.

It was lonely.

It felt like the end.

Only he wasn't ready for it to be the end.

It was supposed to be the beginning.

Only it seemed like it had been forever since..............before.

Before when he was up on top.

Before when he was in the light.

Before when he was walking with his father.

Before when the world seemed filled with possibilities and adventure.

But now it is after.

And after is down here.

Stuck in a hole.

Dropped from above.

Trapped.

Alone.

After a bit he began to dig.

For he knew that he must get out and so he dug.

He focused on what was happening, on his surroundings and came to the conclusion that he must save himself.

And so he dug.

With tenacity and fervor and desperation............he dug.

And as you can imagine he did not get very far.

But he kept his head down.

He kept on going.

He knew he could do it.

And so he dug and he cried out and he exhausted every single resource he had within himself.

He was bruised and battered, sweat pouring from him, mixing with the dirt that had begun to layer his body.

He was unrecognizable from the young man he was.......the young man from before.

He lay down.

He was too exhausted to move, to dig any further.

He felt as if he just wanted to give up.

And so he lay down and his body, his will seemed to give out and, he not so much fell asleep, he gave in to sleep.

It seemed to be days later........but in reality it was hours...........that he awoke.  He was still bruised and battered and covered with dried and caked on mud but he had discovered within him a small something........maybe it was hope?

And instead of looking down and around at his surroundings............he began to look up.

And he listened.

And he heard.

It was the voice of his father.

The father from before.

The one that he thought had abandoned him.

The one he thought that had forsaken him............was here.

He couldn't see him from the depths of this hole but when he looked up he could see a glimmer of light and heard the faint whispers of the man he had always known and who had always loved him.

He spoke words of love and joy at hearing his son's voice once again.

And then his words were ones of action.

Step by agonizing step he told the boy of what to do.

There were stones to be moved and crevices to discover.  There was a way out.  But it wasn't easy.

It wasn't a quick fix, a mighty rescue from above rather it was a struggle to get up and out.

But this time he had hope and the voice and love of his father from above.  He was no longer looking down - defeated and battered and left on his own.  His father was here.

So inch by inch he made his way up.

He refused to look back down.  He refused to give in to the temptation to do it all on his own - fast and with his own strength.  He had made that mistake before.  He forced himself to go slow, to listen. He would stop and listen for instructions as what to do next, where to go, how to take the next step.

And at long last.................he was there.

He was out.

He was back to the before.

And there was his father, just where he was when he had fallen.

His father had seen the approaching hole, had seen the plunge down and had witnessed the horror of his son falling.

He had cried out to him but his son had not heard them during his desperate attempt to rescue himself.

But here they were.

Together.

And oh what a glorious moment that was.

There was much rejoicing and grasping of one another.  Tears of joy poured down their faces, their feet seemed to almost leave the ground as they danced about.

And that day the son learned that even in the darkest, coldest moments of desperation his father would never leave him.  That even during the times he could not see him, could not hear him.......he was there.

For the father told the son of the many times when he had peered down and he could recount each second of his son's entrapment in great detail.  He told of the hours the son had slept and promised him that he never once closed his eyes, rather he stood watch and stood guard from above.  Never once did he rest.

And the son knew.

He knew then how great a love his father had for him.

He was never forsaken.

He was never forgotten.

He was never left alone.

He was loved.

Breaking the Silence

It's been awhile.

There are a quite a few reasons why - some good, some not so good.

When I get overwhelmed or things pile on I tend to put my head down and focus on details and getting things done just right and the things that I want to get right are the things that people see.

I quit Facebook..........again.

It's good for me to do that.

But when I quit Facebook there are no eyes on my blog so it doesn't seem as important or necessary or like something I want to spend time on.

And, well, it takes a while to write a post.  Not a long time, usually, but still time and time is something that seems more precious as it marches on.

And yes I squander it on things that don't matter and things that aren't the best after the sun sets and the eyes are not on me and my brain shuts down.  So I have been letting hours drift by as the pictures on a screen move by and my mind seems at rest for once during the day.

But oh my how deceptive that is for while my mind is at rest it seems it is being infiltrated by the images and messages that are being flashed at it.  And while I can't see myself ever giving up the wonders of the pictures on a screen (oh Parenthood how you break and lift my heart with every episode), I realize that perhaps my time might be better spent elsewhere...........some of the time.

And so I find myself sitting here on a windy, warm spring day watching words flow across a screen rather than pictures, writing rather than cleaning or folding or putting away.............and it feels good and right............even as I know that very few will ever see them.

I thank my friend who knows me well who sent me words this morning reminding me that February 20th was the last time I sat here like this.  She knows it's a sanctuary of sorts and wanted to remind me of that.

I need sanctuaries.  I need places where I go to find Jesus.  I need silence and stillness and my thoughts to be on Him and what He is telling me rather than what others are telling me.

I have realized of late how much I influence my children and that what they pick up from me is not always what I say or even what I try to act out in front of them.  I wonder about that nature vs. nuture thing as my fears and insecurities are played out in front of me in people smaller than I, people unable to hide who they are from those around them.  How amazing it is to see, this guilelessness of children.

And what I see is that it is not the rule following nature of my husband being played out in the lives of my children.  Rather, at times, I see the people pleasing nature of their mother at work in their lives and hearts.  And it's disheartening.  I see them follow rules not because they believe in the absolute authority and rightness of the rule.  I see them follow rules because people are watching and they are wondering what they are thinking of them.

Oh my babes.

I'm sorry.

I look back on the last few months and I see how the time and energy that I am putting into things comes, sometimes, from not wanting to look foolish or wrong or stupid in front of people.  I see how paralyzed I become being in situations that aren't comfortable, that are new and I scramble to figure out what is required, what I am to say, how I am to act.  It takes all my energy and focus NOT. TO. MESS. UP.

And I let slip the areas where no one is watching.

I let slip the things that, in reality, matter most to me.

I let slip the moments that have made up this blog for so long.....not just the mommy moments, but the wife moments, the God moments, the soak up this life moments that fuel me.

So my babies.............I will try not so hard.

I will learn to let go.

I will learn that those moments in front, in the new, in the uncomfortable are reserved for the glory of God to shine through and not the glory of your momma.

I will learn that the approval of others can never be the measuring stick for my worth.

I will learn to turn off, shut down, back away from anything that threatens to consume areas of my life reserved for you, your daddy, the Father.

I will do this not so much for myself but for you.

I want you to walk in the freedom that comes from walking in the Light.

I want you to experience life untethered from other's expectations, untethered from your own unrealistic expectations.

I see...........I see how you are watching and learning.

And if all else fails..........watch your daddy.........and your Father.

I love you, my babies.