Wednesday, April 4, 2012

It's All A Numbers Game............

I am 34 years old.

I am 62 inches tall.

I weigh 135 pounds.

This was my goal weight, my oooh I will be so happy if I reach that weight.  For the past two years I have been creeping and then that creeping began to speed up and stay steady.  My low was my once upon, I will never reach again number and if I do I will so something about it.  Then I passed that number and I thought I must do something or this will continue.  I am tired of taking too much time trying to decide what to wear because nothing fits the way I want it to.  I am tired of feeling heavy and not good about myself.  I am tired of making excuses about why I am gaining weight or why it's ok because I am a mom, a cook for 5 (21 meals a week, 52 weeks a year), getting older, getting busier.

I finally asked for, and paid for (to be honest), some help.  It did help.  I am a people pleaser.  The nutritionist told me I was good at this, that I always have been, that I could do this and other, more harsh things that always work for me.

So it came off.

I was hungry.

I still am, at times.

Because I realized that my goal was perhaps the wrong thing, the wrong number.

I am happy I lost the weight, I realized that it needed to happen, for my health, for my peace of mind.  It's barely an extreme number :), just a comfortable number that keeps my in my clothes and in a place of health.

But now I get on the scale and see 135 and, if I am honest, I am a teensy, weensy bit disappointed.  And then I get mad at myself because I know it's stupid.

What is a life chasing after a number?  Chasing after a size, a weight to bring happiness?  After you are healthy and in a good place what are you chasing after?

You are chasing after something that will never be caught.

Contentment in your ever changing appearance.

You will get old.

You will get wrinkly.

You will sag.

Things will pop up on your skin, your face, your hands that you cannot control.

Controlling a number brings false happiness, false contentment.  It is not lasting.  And you will have to work harder and harder and spend more and more time getting that number lower and lower until one day you realize you have become a slave....... to a number.

A number which doesn't receive love, doesn't give love.  It will never comfort you like you want it too. It will leave you.  It is a fickle thing.  It is dependent on what you give it, what you do for it.  It is not an unconditional thing.

And oh my you are missing out on true joy and contentment if you are looking down at a scale, at that number, instead of up at God.

He is not fickle.  What He gives is not dependent on anything you do, you cannot do enough, eat enough, say enough for Him to turn His back on you.  He will never leave.  He does not care what that number is.  He cares only for you.  He will comfort, He will love.

135 is my weight.

It is not my God.

He is my God.

Pray that my life and my thoughts reflect that.

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