Wednesday, April 11, 2012

This One

Let me preface by saying, once again, that I love all my children equally -  I love them high and wide and big and long.   Yet.......yet, I love them all differently because they all are so different.  They are parts of me, of Joe, some parts from places unrecognizable.........some parts I am proud of, some I am amazed at, some I wish we hadn't passed on, some are infuriating simply because they come directly from me and I wonder at how perfectly they can become the person I try to hide from other's sight.

And it is this one that causes me to sigh - a deep, loving, heart-filled sigh..............

I look at this picture and wonder where she came from.  This girl with blue eyes, sun kissed skin and long blond did we create such beauty?  But perhaps all parents wonder at that......this isn't exclusive to my heart, my eldest girl, for the others - my adventure and my joy - have beauty I wonder at, too.  But this one..............

This one I love to sit with.  I love to hear her ideas.  I love to hear what she is thinking about because it is never what I guess and is almost always something that goes beyond her years.  Just the other night before bed I ask her what her favorite part of kindergarten has been this year.  She tilts her head, ponders the question and answers that it has been learning.  She says she hasn't even noticed it but that she has been learning.  She has learned so much and has never noticed.  She says that Mrs. B will tell her what to do and she does it and she doesn't even notice.  She wonders if first grade will be the same. She seems to develop a little worry, one she has probably thought of before.......will she know what to do in first grade?  Will her teacher tell her what she needs to do?  How will I figure it out?   We talk.  I tell her that she will do just fine and assure her that her first grade teacher is a bit like Fia herself - organized, with a certain way of doing things, she does fun crafts, they have a calendar, a weather chart, so much will be the same just a bit harder, a bit more but that Mrs. B has done a good job preparing her and she will do just fine.   She's actually visible......she smiles and it's off to bed with dreams of a new day, perhaps a new year.

This one is the one I could spend days and days with, wrapping ourselves in a comfy cocoon of our own choosing.  We would drink hot tea, play games, make doll clothes, create new crafts and read books.  We might pause to snuggle under the covers and watch Little House on the Prairie or stop to bake cookies or a cake.  I am not sure we would leave the house or if we did it would be to simple places we would go, maybe to Target to browse, the bookstore to read, the coffee shop to eat a decadent dessert and read books together.  Sofia, on her own, is easy and easy to please because all she wants, really, is you.  She wants your time and attention and love.  Things are not her thing.

This one showed how much love there is, how good it is to be a mom, to have miracles running about your house.  And so it is because of this one that more had to what becomes of a child that is everything to their parent, the very center of their world..........I shudder to think.  I had no ability to divide my time when there was just one, especially a seemingly easy one at that, this smaller version of me :)  She's a good big sis, partly because she is a woman who loves to be in charge (and yes, this is a strength and weakness I share with her).   It's been an adjustment for sure.  There is less time, less attention when the wild ones are around.  They demand attention while not treasuring it as much as she.  When there is a crowd it is the wild ones that most surely are at the center of it.  And I love my friends that take the time to spend with my heart, my girl.  I have noticed them - talking over rocking babies, reading books quietly on the couch, talking over dinner.  I treasure this.  I love them for this, as surely as she does.  They notice.  They notice my heart and as Jani says she is an old soul, she loves to talk with the people she sometimes considers her peers, the adults that come in and out of our home.

And might notice..................this one.

The one that no one has followed..........yet.  Just a few weeks ago our caseworker came out for a visit.  She was apologizing for no calls.........yet.  We both looked over at this one and started laughing, saying there was no rush :)  More on this one later........................

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