I am 36 today.
And just like any other number - whether it be the number on a scale, the number of friends you have or the number of likes you have - it's part of who I am but not all of who I am.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am a wife.
I am a mother.
I am a friend.
I am a painter of windows - pumpkins, rainbows, ghosts, hearts - we do it all.
I am a laugh out loud, throw water in your face, mess-makin' kind of gal.
I am a quiet, keep to myself, read a novel a day, sometimes introvert.
I am a quick to think, quick to talk, quick to act type leader.
I am a homebody living three streets from my childhood home that dreads ever leaving this place.
I am a obsessive consumer of Diet Vanilla Cokes from Sonic.
I am an avid watcher of Parenthood, Downton Abbey and Nashville.
I am one who craves interaction and dialogue and meaningful discussion, I thrive on debate.
I am one who would rather look ten years ahead rather than ten minutes ahead.
I am a dreamer.
I am a writer.
I am a rather dramatic soul at times.
I am a child of God.
I am a weepy, emotion-driven worshipper centered on Christ and His love for us all.
I am a dancer.......when Aretha Franklin or Carole King is playing.
I am strong when I need to be.
I am a Wenger, Kossler, Codispoti mix.
I am 36 today........and surprisingly?
I am proud of that number and all the years I have lived, thus far, to be who I am. Every year has gone into this year - making me who I am and growing me to be this person. I am far from done and far from perfect. And so I look forward to the next year and all those that follow..........wondering who will I be in ten? fifteen? twenty years from now.
Now I ask............who are you?
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Just When You Think You Are an Awesome Parent.......
8:47pm Monday night - I am watching Downton Abbey (oh my word.......that music.....it starts and I am transported to a different time and place and I am sucked into the vortex of 1922 England. Seriously, it's somewhat jarring to me when the credits come on and the black screen replaces the beautiful scenery of the Abbey......what? where am I? what on earth am I doing in this bed wearing my tattered, old pajama pants and hair wrapped up in a towel and who is this young child peering at me in the darkened room......where is the abbey? Mary? Tom? Mrs. Hughes? Mr. Carson? Where did you all go?)
Nico (holding an ENORMOUS book of science experiments from the library......his other book choices? Several Scooby-doo, a book about scoliosis, an atlas and a book about ohio - all picked out with quite a bit of care and deliberation) : Mom. Mom. Mom.
Me (waking from my DA fog): What? Yes. Ok. Ummmm, what?
Nico: Mom, you have to see this experiment. Can we do it? Can we try this?
Me: Ok, show me, buddy. What did you find?
Nico: It's a really good one........with birds. See. Right here. You need a whole bunch of stuff.
Me: Ok, buddy. I think we have all this stuff, we can do this. It's a homemade bird bath.
Nico: Well, we would need a grown up to fill the water every day. That would be you, mom. You are home all day. We aren't. Francesca will have school, too. So you can fill it up. Well.......until you are dead. I will probably be in college (All the while please picture that my precious boy whom I cherish has a big smile on his face and is taking this all very seriously but in that goofy, excited way he has when in the midst of planning and creating). I will be grown up and then I can take care of it. I probably won't even remember you............we will be so far apart. (more rambling about me being gone and him carrying on without a care in the world)
Me: Huh. (thinking of that little boy who still requires cuddle time in the morning when he wakes up, wanting to curl into me while he adjusts to the HARSH, COLD world........far apart, not remembering me, WHATEVER.......oh he will remember me......I start plans of my own..........)
Nico: (more talk of planning and what he is going to do..............)
Me: Well, that's a good plan buddy. We will have to work on that tomorrow. (both of us will........operation remember mama will be in full effect)
And the other one.....................
Francesca: Mom........mom............what you think I should be when I growed up - God or a horse rider?
Me: (stunned silence)
And as always in moments like this with Francesca.........I wonder how we ended up with a mini female version of Uncle Anthony.......... :) Oh, by the way, the silence did end and I told her she couldn't be God, there is only one God and she wasn't it.
I am not sure that she believed me..............................
Nico (holding an ENORMOUS book of science experiments from the library......his other book choices? Several Scooby-doo, a book about scoliosis, an atlas and a book about ohio - all picked out with quite a bit of care and deliberation) : Mom. Mom. Mom.
Me (waking from my DA fog): What? Yes. Ok. Ummmm, what?
Nico: Mom, you have to see this experiment. Can we do it? Can we try this?
Me: Ok, show me, buddy. What did you find?
Nico: It's a really good one........with birds. See. Right here. You need a whole bunch of stuff.
Me: Ok, buddy. I think we have all this stuff, we can do this. It's a homemade bird bath.
Nico: Well, we would need a grown up to fill the water every day. That would be you, mom. You are home all day. We aren't. Francesca will have school, too. So you can fill it up. Well.......until you are dead. I will probably be in college (All the while please picture that my precious boy whom I cherish has a big smile on his face and is taking this all very seriously but in that goofy, excited way he has when in the midst of planning and creating). I will be grown up and then I can take care of it. I probably won't even remember you............we will be so far apart. (more rambling about me being gone and him carrying on without a care in the world)
Me: Huh. (thinking of that little boy who still requires cuddle time in the morning when he wakes up, wanting to curl into me while he adjusts to the HARSH, COLD world........far apart, not remembering me, WHATEVER.......oh he will remember me......I start plans of my own..........)
Nico: (more talk of planning and what he is going to do..............)
Me: Well, that's a good plan buddy. We will have to work on that tomorrow. (both of us will........operation remember mama will be in full effect)
And the other one.....................
Francesca: Mom........mom............what you think I should be when I growed up - God or a horse rider?
Me: (stunned silence)
And as always in moments like this with Francesca.........I wonder how we ended up with a mini female version of Uncle Anthony.......... :) Oh, by the way, the silence did end and I told her she couldn't be God, there is only one God and she wasn't it.
I am not sure that she believed me..............................
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
It Starts With You
Today I met with a friend.......one of the few that I allow behind the curtain......I was going to contact her but she beat me to it with an early morning text that came, I am sure, the moment she read the blog.......and we walked and we talked.
She asked me how I was on a scale of 1-10 (how I love people who get right to it) and I said about a 6, I think.......maybe a 7? Then I laughed and said something along the lines of I am not sure I know how to say I am lower. She laughed and said that my 6 was probably someone else's 4.
I said I am not sure what's wrong......maybe nothing. I don't know. It's a weird thing.
I think I need to just say the thoughts that come into my mind late at night. I need to just give voice to the lies so they can be exposed for what they are. I know that's what it is.......I think.
She listens.
And I felt myself getting a bit choked up, wanting to cry a bit but we were walking and I don't really like crying (except, apparently, EVERY SINGLE TIME I am at church) and so I made myself say the words.
And here's the thing. It wasn't anything too awful.
Those words?
They lost their power once they were brought into the light.
They were exposed to truth and love in the form of a friend.
And in an e-mail (he read the blog after I was asleep and I have to admit sometimes we communicate through e-mail......judge if you want :) my husband said ok......we are going behind the curtain. We are talking this out tonight. And although he didn't say it I know he means business.......he loves and cares for me so much better than I love and care for myself, at times.
So tonight I will have an opportunity to say the words again and hear them spoken out loud and I will be able to identify them for the lies that they are.
We can give so much power and life to the things of our mind and the things we keep in the dark if we are not in relationship with other people.
And here's the thing........IT IS ONGOING AND FOREVER AND YOU WILL NEVER BE DONE.
These things that I spoke out loud...........it's nothing new. It's the same old stuff. I know them to be lies. I know these things are meant to keep me down and quiet and to stop me from growing and being light to others. I know this.
And yet it doesn't matter.
On my own I will start to believe the lies once more.........
And the anxiety comes and is stirred in the night and I wake up feeling uneasy and tired and done in before the day begins.
UNTIL...........someone listens.
UNTIL............someone says I see you.
UNTIL.............someone says that is crap.
UNTIL.............someone takes the time to stop and love.
I want us to love each other like that. I want us to lay down all the lists and the tasks and the stuff that needs to be done today and really listen to someone and love someone. I want everyone to have people that go behind the curtain with them, that won't wait to for someone to call them but they will be on the phone asking.......how ARE you......really?
Because here's the thing tasks and lists and things are easier to deal with and manage than people.
People are hard and they disappoint and they will do the same things over and over and over again until you want to bang your head on the wall or, even, bang their head on the wall.
Tasks are accomplished and completed. When you put the laundry in the wash it stays there. When you wash a dish, you dry and then put it away......done. It's not complicated. It takes a bit of time but it's simple and easy.
People are anything but simple and easy.
Maybe we shy away from relationship and commitment to others for that reason.
Maybe it's easier to devote time to a task then to a person and so we fill our time with tasks.
But how about today we add to the top of our lists a phone call, a text, a short visit.
You shouldn't have 20 of these people.........remember Jesus? He had 12.
You aren't Jesus.
Start with one. Just one.
My friend?
We spent 45 minutes together today. That's it.
And that 45 minutes?
It changed how I viewed myself and gave me room to breathe and space to remind myself of who I am.
And you know what?
I am pretty awesome ;) Just ask my friend.
Who's your one?
It starts with you.
Make the time.
She asked me how I was on a scale of 1-10 (how I love people who get right to it) and I said about a 6, I think.......maybe a 7? Then I laughed and said something along the lines of I am not sure I know how to say I am lower. She laughed and said that my 6 was probably someone else's 4.
I said I am not sure what's wrong......maybe nothing. I don't know. It's a weird thing.
I think I need to just say the thoughts that come into my mind late at night. I need to just give voice to the lies so they can be exposed for what they are. I know that's what it is.......I think.
She listens.
And I felt myself getting a bit choked up, wanting to cry a bit but we were walking and I don't really like crying (except, apparently, EVERY SINGLE TIME I am at church) and so I made myself say the words.
And here's the thing. It wasn't anything too awful.
Those words?
They lost their power once they were brought into the light.
They were exposed to truth and love in the form of a friend.
And in an e-mail (he read the blog after I was asleep and I have to admit sometimes we communicate through e-mail......judge if you want :) my husband said ok......we are going behind the curtain. We are talking this out tonight. And although he didn't say it I know he means business.......he loves and cares for me so much better than I love and care for myself, at times.
So tonight I will have an opportunity to say the words again and hear them spoken out loud and I will be able to identify them for the lies that they are.
We can give so much power and life to the things of our mind and the things we keep in the dark if we are not in relationship with other people.
And here's the thing........IT IS ONGOING AND FOREVER AND YOU WILL NEVER BE DONE.
These things that I spoke out loud...........it's nothing new. It's the same old stuff. I know them to be lies. I know these things are meant to keep me down and quiet and to stop me from growing and being light to others. I know this.
And yet it doesn't matter.
On my own I will start to believe the lies once more.........
And the anxiety comes and is stirred in the night and I wake up feeling uneasy and tired and done in before the day begins.
UNTIL...........someone listens.
UNTIL............someone says I see you.
UNTIL.............someone says that is crap.
UNTIL.............someone takes the time to stop and love.
I want us to love each other like that. I want us to lay down all the lists and the tasks and the stuff that needs to be done today and really listen to someone and love someone. I want everyone to have people that go behind the curtain with them, that won't wait to for someone to call them but they will be on the phone asking.......how ARE you......really?
Because here's the thing tasks and lists and things are easier to deal with and manage than people.
People are hard and they disappoint and they will do the same things over and over and over again until you want to bang your head on the wall or, even, bang their head on the wall.
Tasks are accomplished and completed. When you put the laundry in the wash it stays there. When you wash a dish, you dry and then put it away......done. It's not complicated. It takes a bit of time but it's simple and easy.
People are anything but simple and easy.
Maybe we shy away from relationship and commitment to others for that reason.
Maybe it's easier to devote time to a task then to a person and so we fill our time with tasks.
But how about today we add to the top of our lists a phone call, a text, a short visit.
You shouldn't have 20 of these people.........remember Jesus? He had 12.
You aren't Jesus.
Start with one. Just one.
My friend?
We spent 45 minutes together today. That's it.
And that 45 minutes?
It changed how I viewed myself and gave me room to breathe and space to remind myself of who I am.
And you know what?
I am pretty awesome ;) Just ask my friend.
Who's your one?
It starts with you.
Make the time.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Behind The Curtain
Here I am..........again.........
Awake when it's still dark and way too early and my mind is racing and my body is already tired from all the things it will have to do today and all the people it will have to care for and tasks it will have to accomplish and I wonder why I can't sleep.
I wonder why sleep eludes me and why when I wake in the dark that my thoughts first turn to who I am not and the very worst parts of me and the weight that never leaves - whether on my heart or my flesh.
I think of that movie in childhood......the one I never fully watched because it was scary and oh my that lady on the bike and her cackling. I can still see her and hear the music and feel a twinge of something uncomfortable, something not quite fear but close to it. The monkeys and the little men and the witches - both good and bad.
But what I remember now, in the dark of night, is the great and powerful wizard. And I think how brilliant the author of this book is that he is able to see inside all of us and realize that we all have a little man,woman standing behind a curtain and we want to project this great image, this powerful image but really we are just this tiny, normal person. Just a regular person with all the same fears and hang ups and such that accompany each person in this life.
And I am great at pulling back the curtain so that you get a glimpse of me. You get a glimpse of the insecurities I face, the thoughts I have, the things that cripple me in the night. But it's just a glimpse, enough for you to know that I know I am not perfect, that I have my faults and I struggle, too, with all that I am not and am. But then the curtain gets placed firmly back in place and the smile goes on and the clothes try to hide and the body keeps moving and the little man inside is forgotten or a least shoved aside in pursuit of daily life.
And oh my there are those of us who are GREAT at the pulling back. We sweep aside our curtains with such flair or noise that it's the pulling back of the curtain that people are taken with, the action and not the actually person standing behind it. If you are one of these people you know what I mean. Our great reveal is accompanied by a laugh or a story or drama because we have steeled ourself for this moment, for this reveal and in doing so the tiny person behind the curtain is overwhelmed by the reveal.
I wonder what true vulnerability looks like and if we have allowed time and space for it in our lives. I wonder if in all our busyness and urge to good things, the right things and love and take care of one another that we are missing what's good and real and important.
We are missing the opportunity to not just pull back the curtain but to have someone step forward and say.....no, no don't close it just yet.
Can I step behind this curtain with you?
Can I take a moment to just sit with you?
Can we talk?
I just want to listen.
I want to see.
I want to see the real you and I won't shy away.
I promise.
But, of course, we do shy away and promises are broken and people are hurt and curtains are slammed shut and we go back to life as it was when we are hurt by those we love and want to be loved by.
But how about for today we don't.
We don't shy away.
We don't slam shut.
We don't walk away.
Instead we invite.
We listen.
We see.
We stop.
We love with our ears and with our eyes and with our hearts.
So today take a moment and think of who in your life needs you stop and see the person behind the curtain. Take a moment and think who are those people for you? We don't expose ourselves randomly and to everyone we meet........then you would be a flasher :) Not everyone needs to see all of who you are and all your stuff. But we do need a trusted few who know everything, who know the REAL you, who see and love all of who you are.
I have my few and most likely I need to spend a moment with them and talk. Really talk about what's behind my curtain, what drives me to wake at night and what thoughts keep racing in my mind and not brush off my night waking.
"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin."
- 1 John 5-7
Who are your few?
What needs to be brought to light?
Love you all. Thanks for showing up for my reveals and glimpses. I am off to sleep for an hour or two before the day starts......I have a feeling I will be able to sleep a bit better now.
Awake when it's still dark and way too early and my mind is racing and my body is already tired from all the things it will have to do today and all the people it will have to care for and tasks it will have to accomplish and I wonder why I can't sleep.
I wonder why sleep eludes me and why when I wake in the dark that my thoughts first turn to who I am not and the very worst parts of me and the weight that never leaves - whether on my heart or my flesh.
I think of that movie in childhood......the one I never fully watched because it was scary and oh my that lady on the bike and her cackling. I can still see her and hear the music and feel a twinge of something uncomfortable, something not quite fear but close to it. The monkeys and the little men and the witches - both good and bad.
But what I remember now, in the dark of night, is the great and powerful wizard. And I think how brilliant the author of this book is that he is able to see inside all of us and realize that we all have a little man,woman standing behind a curtain and we want to project this great image, this powerful image but really we are just this tiny, normal person. Just a regular person with all the same fears and hang ups and such that accompany each person in this life.
And I am great at pulling back the curtain so that you get a glimpse of me. You get a glimpse of the insecurities I face, the thoughts I have, the things that cripple me in the night. But it's just a glimpse, enough for you to know that I know I am not perfect, that I have my faults and I struggle, too, with all that I am not and am. But then the curtain gets placed firmly back in place and the smile goes on and the clothes try to hide and the body keeps moving and the little man inside is forgotten or a least shoved aside in pursuit of daily life.
And oh my there are those of us who are GREAT at the pulling back. We sweep aside our curtains with such flair or noise that it's the pulling back of the curtain that people are taken with, the action and not the actually person standing behind it. If you are one of these people you know what I mean. Our great reveal is accompanied by a laugh or a story or drama because we have steeled ourself for this moment, for this reveal and in doing so the tiny person behind the curtain is overwhelmed by the reveal.
I wonder what true vulnerability looks like and if we have allowed time and space for it in our lives. I wonder if in all our busyness and urge to good things, the right things and love and take care of one another that we are missing what's good and real and important.
We are missing the opportunity to not just pull back the curtain but to have someone step forward and say.....no, no don't close it just yet.
Can I step behind this curtain with you?
Can I take a moment to just sit with you?
Can we talk?
I just want to listen.
I want to see.
I want to see the real you and I won't shy away.
I promise.
But, of course, we do shy away and promises are broken and people are hurt and curtains are slammed shut and we go back to life as it was when we are hurt by those we love and want to be loved by.
But how about for today we don't.
We don't shy away.
We don't slam shut.
We don't walk away.
Instead we invite.
We listen.
We see.
We stop.
We love with our ears and with our eyes and with our hearts.
So today take a moment and think of who in your life needs you stop and see the person behind the curtain. Take a moment and think who are those people for you? We don't expose ourselves randomly and to everyone we meet........then you would be a flasher :) Not everyone needs to see all of who you are and all your stuff. But we do need a trusted few who know everything, who know the REAL you, who see and love all of who you are.
I have my few and most likely I need to spend a moment with them and talk. Really talk about what's behind my curtain, what drives me to wake at night and what thoughts keep racing in my mind and not brush off my night waking.
"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin."
- 1 John 5-7
Who are your few?
What needs to be brought to light?
Love you all. Thanks for showing up for my reveals and glimpses. I am off to sleep for an hour or two before the day starts......I have a feeling I will be able to sleep a bit better now.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Whispering
Ahhh.......that preacher man and now a music man and someday I will find the words to incapsulate the formidable Suzi but for now she defies description so broad is her range of amazingness that I will simply call her my friend.........these people......they leave me weepy and filled yet yearning for more and feeling tender in the presence of the Lord.......
For they are not mere humans but vessels for the Lord........they speak and sing and live in a way that they reflect the Father.......
Each Sunday I leave a building but more than that I leave a body, a people that are filled with the Holy Spirit, a people that are filled with a Love that surpasses what mere humans are capable of.....
It's a weird and perplexing thing to leave church exhausted and stretched out and tingling and wanting it to last forever and yet seeking a place to rest and search your heart for the words that God left there for the hours that you were there.
I love my church. I love the body of the church that incapsulates the message and person of Jesus. I love the preacher man and music man and Suzi because in them resides the yearning to serve the Father and love a big Love that defies any other description besides Jesus.
And sometimes I talk big and I act big and I am loud and too much and I can speak with conviction and force but today.........today I spoke in whispers.
God show me a picture of the Holy Spirit as a quick but graceful wind moving throughout the room......whipping in and around and through His people..........and all around the fears and anxieties and messiness of the people were being wiped from them, being gently washed from them.....
And then the forceful nature of who God is stepped in.......in the form of a mortar and pestle.......He took those fears and anxieties and all the messiness and ground it down into a fine dust..........and there it was blown away in the the quick but graceful wind moving through the room.........it was ground down and blown away.........
And all through the sanctuary I walked and spoke to His people......reassuring them of who He is and who they are and how amazing they are and what amazing things they do.......their words, their beauty, their faithfulness, their love...........God whispering words of love in the ears of His people........
Because it's not enough to identify fears and anxieties and messiness...........it's not enough to ground them out and down and blow them in the wind...........we must then become filled with Him, filled with the message of His love and acceptance..........
And so today I want to whisper words of love and acceptance and worthiness into your lives and tell you that He loves you with an unending, unconditional, unwavering kind of love. That when you look into the mirror, into your heart, into your life that what you see is exactly as it should be........that you. you alone are enough. All this striving and trying and yearning and wanting will kill the you that you are if not accompanied by the LOVE of God.
And it's not worth it.
Achieving perfection in one area will leave you dry in another. Striving to be more and do more and accomplish more will leave you empty. Yearning to be different, to make a difference will leave you with the same person you started with.
So just stop. Stop.
Look in the mirror.
Really look.
See the beauty, the amazing beauty of exactly who you are.
I promise.......it's there.
Because you see.........preacher man? music man? Suzi?
They are pretty people. They just are. But most of the time.........I forget.
I forget their outer beauty in light of the LOVE they shine..........the LOVE they shine that comes not from them or their deeds or their accomplishments but that comes from GOD.
They SHINE his LOVE.
Preacher man's words.
Music man's melodies.
Suzi's life.
All a reflection of the beauty and knowledge of the Father's Love.
I want you to know that each one of you carry this Love. Each one of you is loved beyond measure. I wish for you today, I pray for you today, to hear the message of the Father's Love for YOU.
For they are not mere humans but vessels for the Lord........they speak and sing and live in a way that they reflect the Father.......
Each Sunday I leave a building but more than that I leave a body, a people that are filled with the Holy Spirit, a people that are filled with a Love that surpasses what mere humans are capable of.....
It's a weird and perplexing thing to leave church exhausted and stretched out and tingling and wanting it to last forever and yet seeking a place to rest and search your heart for the words that God left there for the hours that you were there.
I love my church. I love the body of the church that incapsulates the message and person of Jesus. I love the preacher man and music man and Suzi because in them resides the yearning to serve the Father and love a big Love that defies any other description besides Jesus.
And sometimes I talk big and I act big and I am loud and too much and I can speak with conviction and force but today.........today I spoke in whispers.
God show me a picture of the Holy Spirit as a quick but graceful wind moving throughout the room......whipping in and around and through His people..........and all around the fears and anxieties and messiness of the people were being wiped from them, being gently washed from them.....
And then the forceful nature of who God is stepped in.......in the form of a mortar and pestle.......He took those fears and anxieties and all the messiness and ground it down into a fine dust..........and there it was blown away in the the quick but graceful wind moving through the room.........it was ground down and blown away.........
And all through the sanctuary I walked and spoke to His people......reassuring them of who He is and who they are and how amazing they are and what amazing things they do.......their words, their beauty, their faithfulness, their love...........God whispering words of love in the ears of His people........
Because it's not enough to identify fears and anxieties and messiness...........it's not enough to ground them out and down and blow them in the wind...........we must then become filled with Him, filled with the message of His love and acceptance..........
And so today I want to whisper words of love and acceptance and worthiness into your lives and tell you that He loves you with an unending, unconditional, unwavering kind of love. That when you look into the mirror, into your heart, into your life that what you see is exactly as it should be........that you. you alone are enough. All this striving and trying and yearning and wanting will kill the you that you are if not accompanied by the LOVE of God.
And it's not worth it.
Achieving perfection in one area will leave you dry in another. Striving to be more and do more and accomplish more will leave you empty. Yearning to be different, to make a difference will leave you with the same person you started with.
So just stop. Stop.
Look in the mirror.
Really look.
See the beauty, the amazing beauty of exactly who you are.
I promise.......it's there.
Because you see.........preacher man? music man? Suzi?
They are pretty people. They just are. But most of the time.........I forget.
I forget their outer beauty in light of the LOVE they shine..........the LOVE they shine that comes not from them or their deeds or their accomplishments but that comes from GOD.
They SHINE his LOVE.
Preacher man's words.
Music man's melodies.
Suzi's life.
All a reflection of the beauty and knowledge of the Father's Love.
I want you to know that each one of you carry this Love. Each one of you is loved beyond measure. I wish for you today, I pray for you today, to hear the message of the Father's Love for YOU.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
A New Season
I love today.
It's raining and dark outside........making the inside seem all the more cozy.
Don't get me wrong, sun is good. I like warm weather. I like being outside. I love to eat all my meals in the backyard..........until I don't.
It's a bit exhausting to me when it is sunny ALL THE TIME. When it's warm and nice I feel we HAVE to be outside, we have to take advantage of every moment and soak it all up. There is food to be pick, the lawn needs to be mowed, it's another HUGE part of the house to take care of and be in. Plus there are countless parks, playgrounds and activities for the outdoors that seem to call me name in those summer months and I feel the need to visit them all and do them all.
BUT...........
Oh when it is cool and rainy and dark..............books call out my name, there are tv shows to watch (I know, I know tv is so taboo these days.....but I love it........"The Goldbergs" made me laugh just this morning as I cleaned the kitchen :), there are games and toys that sat all summer long waiting to be played, there are blankets to wrap around us all and there is more time to sit and be and be together.
I love it.
I think there is this inner lazy person that longs to break free of the ULTRA PRODUCTIVE person that I have become. I used to spend A LOT of time lounging........A LOT. But then came work and a house and a husband and kids and it seemed that to have any down time you needed to really capitalize on every spare second you had. I still read a lot and I certainly get to watch my favorite tv shows but it takes on an almost manic quality. I tend to DEVOUR books.......racing to the end because the clock is ticking and there is always someone waking up, getting home, needing something, etc. My shows are watched too late at night or while doing something else. There is very little time when my mind is still along with my body.
BUT............
I am entering a new season. One where there is more space and time and quiet.
And I am loving it.
But unsure of how to approach it. I am so used to moving, moving, moving.........doing, doing, doing........making sure that everything gets done and every second is used to reach the goal of........... what? I am not sure.
It used to be dinner on the table, house reasonably cleaned, laundry done and kids played with. That was the goal. That was it.
Now?
I don't know.
The season of babies, that season of littles and always moving and going and doing.....well, that season seems to be coming to a bit of a close............my youngest turned 4 yesterday and the olders are at school and QUITE happy to be there (Nico actually asked if he could have a school themed birthday party and do all the fun things they do at school at his party.......I LOVE YOU MRS. B). When they are at home they still want to be with me and have my attention and "what are we going to do mom?" but it's much different from just a few years ago.
And so now I have to confess I am at a loss at how to slow down a bit. It might be why I don't sleep and why I wake in the middle of the night still and why my body has not adjusted to this new season of life. I fill my days still with constant activity and I am loathe to sit down and just read or take a break when they are gone because I feel it's cheating somehow. How can I justify such laziness when I should be cooking, cleaning, exercising, doing laundry, working on church stuff, calling people, organizing, etc.?
Oh Mandy.
You weirdo.
Go back and read your blog.
Is anyone looking?
Is anyone judging?
Is anyone thinking any less of you for reading a book in the middle of the day when you have no kids at home?
Do you remember what you said you were going to do when all your kids were in school the first year?
Do you remember what you thought when you were down in the trenches with all the littles - covered in food stains, constantly wiping butts, chasing Nico, feeding, dressing, creating, playing, not sleeping and surviving?
You said that you were going to read novels, take naps and breathe.
That you would deserve it and you were going to enjoy it.
Well........it's slowing down and getting cooler and moving into a new season.
What are you going to do?
Pretend it's summer still or enjoy the dawning of a new day, a new season?
It's raining and dark outside........making the inside seem all the more cozy.
Don't get me wrong, sun is good. I like warm weather. I like being outside. I love to eat all my meals in the backyard..........until I don't.
It's a bit exhausting to me when it is sunny ALL THE TIME. When it's warm and nice I feel we HAVE to be outside, we have to take advantage of every moment and soak it all up. There is food to be pick, the lawn needs to be mowed, it's another HUGE part of the house to take care of and be in. Plus there are countless parks, playgrounds and activities for the outdoors that seem to call me name in those summer months and I feel the need to visit them all and do them all.
BUT...........
Oh when it is cool and rainy and dark..............books call out my name, there are tv shows to watch (I know, I know tv is so taboo these days.....but I love it........"The Goldbergs" made me laugh just this morning as I cleaned the kitchen :), there are games and toys that sat all summer long waiting to be played, there are blankets to wrap around us all and there is more time to sit and be and be together.
I love it.
I think there is this inner lazy person that longs to break free of the ULTRA PRODUCTIVE person that I have become. I used to spend A LOT of time lounging........A LOT. But then came work and a house and a husband and kids and it seemed that to have any down time you needed to really capitalize on every spare second you had. I still read a lot and I certainly get to watch my favorite tv shows but it takes on an almost manic quality. I tend to DEVOUR books.......racing to the end because the clock is ticking and there is always someone waking up, getting home, needing something, etc. My shows are watched too late at night or while doing something else. There is very little time when my mind is still along with my body.
BUT............
I am entering a new season. One where there is more space and time and quiet.
And I am loving it.
But unsure of how to approach it. I am so used to moving, moving, moving.........doing, doing, doing........making sure that everything gets done and every second is used to reach the goal of........... what? I am not sure.
It used to be dinner on the table, house reasonably cleaned, laundry done and kids played with. That was the goal. That was it.
Now?
I don't know.
The season of babies, that season of littles and always moving and going and doing.....well, that season seems to be coming to a bit of a close............my youngest turned 4 yesterday and the olders are at school and QUITE happy to be there (Nico actually asked if he could have a school themed birthday party and do all the fun things they do at school at his party.......I LOVE YOU MRS. B). When they are at home they still want to be with me and have my attention and "what are we going to do mom?" but it's much different from just a few years ago.
And so now I have to confess I am at a loss at how to slow down a bit. It might be why I don't sleep and why I wake in the middle of the night still and why my body has not adjusted to this new season of life. I fill my days still with constant activity and I am loathe to sit down and just read or take a break when they are gone because I feel it's cheating somehow. How can I justify such laziness when I should be cooking, cleaning, exercising, doing laundry, working on church stuff, calling people, organizing, etc.?
Oh Mandy.
You weirdo.
Go back and read your blog.
Is anyone looking?
Is anyone judging?
Is anyone thinking any less of you for reading a book in the middle of the day when you have no kids at home?
Do you remember what you said you were going to do when all your kids were in school the first year?
Do you remember what you thought when you were down in the trenches with all the littles - covered in food stains, constantly wiping butts, chasing Nico, feeding, dressing, creating, playing, not sleeping and surviving?
You said that you were going to read novels, take naps and breathe.
That you would deserve it and you were going to enjoy it.
Well........it's slowing down and getting cooler and moving into a new season.
What are you going to do?
Pretend it's summer still or enjoy the dawning of a new day, a new season?
Friday, September 6, 2013
But What About When He Doesn't?
As soon as I lay back in my bed last night...............after writing my last post...........I thought.....
But what about when God doesn't heal?
What then?
A Healer who doesn't heal?
What to say to that?
And I have been a Christian long enough that I know all the phrases and words of comfort and what you are "supposed" to say, they can flow right off the tongue and there is truth to those words but sometimes they are not a comfort.
Because we all want healing for those we love and for ourselves.
And this weekend we are remembering.
We are remembering two who were not healed, who are not with us.
And it's hard.
Two years ago I got the call. Two years. She should be two years old.
But instead she remains a baby to us all and we give out sunflowers, rather than birthday presents, this weekend each year. An idea formed by my brother and his wife, a way to celebrate and remember their girl, Adalyn Joy, on her birthday each year.
A girl, a baby who was prayed for and wished for and loved upon for so much longer than she was here on earth.
Tomorrow we are walking...........for a heart baby, who just a year ago was being prayed for and had been wished for and was being loved upon. He spent three weeks here on earth. And during those three weeks there were so many voices being raised in prayer, voices crying out for healing and miracles.
Please, God, please.
And yet...............this weekend we are remembering these babies, rather than holding these little ones.
What now?
Now?
Now I remember the words of the preacher man who one year ago today was reading the passage about foolishness in 1 Corinthians. I was a weepy mess the entire service. I had come with my big bunch of sunflowers, ready to give them out, trying to find a way to convey the grief we were feeling and yet the JOY we were feeling in knowing Jesus and in knowing that Adalyn has a savior and is with her savior. How do you explain celebrating the death of one so young and so loved and so hoped for?
"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."
- 1 Corinthians 1:19
And yesterday..........I sat, with my bible opened, and I read those words again - the message of the cross is foolishness.......but to those who are being saved it is the POWER OF GOD.
Our belief is not in the healing but in the HEALER.
Our belief is not contingent on outcome but on the knowledge of who GOD is.
Our belief must seem foolish to so many.
Our belief is not that life is lived, exclusively, in the here and now but that life is everlasting.
"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify things that are....."
- 1 Corinthians 1:27-28
And so this weekend we are foolishly celebrating the life of Adalyn Joy. We are foolishly spreading JOY to those around us through sunflowers and good deeds and kindness and thoughtfulness because the message of the life of Adalyn Joy is found in the message of the cross.
Adalyn Joy is healed. Adalyn Joy is saved.
And it is through the power of God that may believe this and we may rejoice in her life.
But what about when God doesn't heal?
What then?
A Healer who doesn't heal?
What to say to that?
And I have been a Christian long enough that I know all the phrases and words of comfort and what you are "supposed" to say, they can flow right off the tongue and there is truth to those words but sometimes they are not a comfort.
Because we all want healing for those we love and for ourselves.
And this weekend we are remembering.
We are remembering two who were not healed, who are not with us.
And it's hard.
Two years ago I got the call. Two years. She should be two years old.
But instead she remains a baby to us all and we give out sunflowers, rather than birthday presents, this weekend each year. An idea formed by my brother and his wife, a way to celebrate and remember their girl, Adalyn Joy, on her birthday each year.
A girl, a baby who was prayed for and wished for and loved upon for so much longer than she was here on earth.
Tomorrow we are walking...........for a heart baby, who just a year ago was being prayed for and had been wished for and was being loved upon. He spent three weeks here on earth. And during those three weeks there were so many voices being raised in prayer, voices crying out for healing and miracles.
Please, God, please.
And yet...............this weekend we are remembering these babies, rather than holding these little ones.
What now?
Now?
Now I remember the words of the preacher man who one year ago today was reading the passage about foolishness in 1 Corinthians. I was a weepy mess the entire service. I had come with my big bunch of sunflowers, ready to give them out, trying to find a way to convey the grief we were feeling and yet the JOY we were feeling in knowing Jesus and in knowing that Adalyn has a savior and is with her savior. How do you explain celebrating the death of one so young and so loved and so hoped for?
"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."
- 1 Corinthians 1:19
And yesterday..........I sat, with my bible opened, and I read those words again - the message of the cross is foolishness.......but to those who are being saved it is the POWER OF GOD.
Our belief is not in the healing but in the HEALER.
Our belief is not contingent on outcome but on the knowledge of who GOD is.
Our belief must seem foolish to so many.
Our belief is not that life is lived, exclusively, in the here and now but that life is everlasting.
"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify things that are....."
- 1 Corinthians 1:27-28
And so this weekend we are foolishly celebrating the life of Adalyn Joy. We are foolishly spreading JOY to those around us through sunflowers and good deeds and kindness and thoughtfulness because the message of the life of Adalyn Joy is found in the message of the cross.
Adalyn Joy is healed. Adalyn Joy is saved.
And it is through the power of God that may believe this and we may rejoice in her life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)