I love today.
It's raining and dark outside........making the inside seem all the more cozy.
Don't get me wrong, sun is good. I like warm weather. I like being outside. I love to eat all my meals in the backyard..........until I don't.
It's a bit exhausting to me when it is sunny ALL THE TIME. When it's warm and nice I feel we HAVE to be outside, we have to take advantage of every moment and soak it all up. There is food to be pick, the lawn needs to be mowed, it's another HUGE part of the house to take care of and be in. Plus there are countless parks, playgrounds and activities for the outdoors that seem to call me name in those summer months and I feel the need to visit them all and do them all.
Oh when it is cool and rainy and dark..............books call out my name, there are tv shows to watch (I know, I know tv is so taboo these days.....but I love it........"The Goldbergs" made me laugh just this morning as I cleaned the kitchen :), there are games and toys that sat all summer long waiting to be played, there are blankets to wrap around us all and there is more time to sit and be and be together.
I love it.
I think there is this inner lazy person that longs to break free of the ULTRA PRODUCTIVE person that I have become. I used to spend A LOT of time lounging........A LOT. But then came work and a house and a husband and kids and it seemed that to have any down time you needed to really capitalize on every spare second you had. I still read a lot and I certainly get to watch my favorite tv shows but it takes on an almost manic quality. I tend to DEVOUR books.......racing to the end because the clock is ticking and there is always someone waking up, getting home, needing something, etc. My shows are watched too late at night or while doing something else. There is very little time when my mind is still along with my body.
I am entering a new season. One where there is more space and time and quiet.
And I am loving it.
But unsure of how to approach it. I am so used to moving, moving, moving.........doing, doing, doing........making sure that everything gets done and every second is used to reach the goal of........... what? I am not sure.
It used to be dinner on the table, house reasonably cleaned, laundry done and kids played with. That was the goal. That was it.
I don't know.
The season of babies, that season of littles and always moving and going and doing.....well, that season seems to be coming to a bit of a close............my youngest turned 4 yesterday and the olders are at school and QUITE happy to be there (Nico actually asked if he could have a school themed birthday party and do all the fun things they do at school at his party.......I LOVE YOU MRS. B). When they are at home they still want to be with me and have my attention and "what are we going to do mom?" but it's much different from just a few years ago.
And so now I have to confess I am at a loss at how to slow down a bit. It might be why I don't sleep and why I wake in the middle of the night still and why my body has not adjusted to this new season of life. I fill my days still with constant activity and I am loathe to sit down and just read or take a break when they are gone because I feel it's cheating somehow. How can I justify such laziness when I should be cooking, cleaning, exercising, doing laundry, working on church stuff, calling people, organizing, etc.?
Go back and read your blog.
Is anyone looking?
Is anyone judging?
Is anyone thinking any less of you for reading a book in the middle of the day when you have no kids at home?
Do you remember what you said you were going to do when all your kids were in school the first year?
Do you remember what you thought when you were down in the trenches with all the littles - covered in food stains, constantly wiping butts, chasing Nico, feeding, dressing, creating, playing, not sleeping and surviving?
You said that you were going to read novels, take naps and breathe.
That you would deserve it and you were going to enjoy it.
Well........it's slowing down and getting cooler and moving into a new season.
What are you going to do?
Pretend it's summer still or enjoy the dawning of a new day, a new season?