Today I met with a friend.......one of the few that I allow behind the curtain......I was going to contact her but she beat me to it with an early morning text that came, I am sure, the moment she read the blog.......and we walked and we talked.
She asked me how I was on a scale of 1-10 (how I love people who get right to it) and I said about a 6, I think.......maybe a 7? Then I laughed and said something along the lines of I am not sure I know how to say I am lower. She laughed and said that my 6 was probably someone else's 4.
I said I am not sure what's wrong......maybe nothing. I don't know. It's a weird thing.
I think I need to just say the thoughts that come into my mind late at night. I need to just give voice to the lies so they can be exposed for what they are. I know that's what it is.......I think.
And I felt myself getting a bit choked up, wanting to cry a bit but we were walking and I don't really like crying (except, apparently, EVERY SINGLE TIME I am at church) and so I made myself say the words.
And here's the thing. It wasn't anything too awful.
They lost their power once they were brought into the light.
They were exposed to truth and love in the form of a friend.
And in an e-mail (he read the blog after I was asleep and I have to admit sometimes we communicate through e-mail......judge if you want :) my husband said ok......we are going behind the curtain. We are talking this out tonight. And although he didn't say it I know he means business.......he loves and cares for me so much better than I love and care for myself, at times.
So tonight I will have an opportunity to say the words again and hear them spoken out loud and I will be able to identify them for the lies that they are.
We can give so much power and life to the things of our mind and the things we keep in the dark if we are not in relationship with other people.
And here's the thing........IT IS ONGOING AND FOREVER AND YOU WILL NEVER BE DONE.
These things that I spoke out loud...........it's nothing new. It's the same old stuff. I know them to be lies. I know these things are meant to keep me down and quiet and to stop me from growing and being light to others. I know this.
And yet it doesn't matter.
On my own I will start to believe the lies once more.........
And the anxiety comes and is stirred in the night and I wake up feeling uneasy and tired and done in before the day begins.
UNTIL............someone says I see you.
UNTIL.............someone says that is crap.
UNTIL.............someone takes the time to stop and love.
I want us to love each other like that. I want us to lay down all the lists and the tasks and the stuff that needs to be done today and really listen to someone and love someone. I want everyone to have people that go behind the curtain with them, that won't wait to for someone to call them but they will be on the phone asking.......how ARE you......really?
Because here's the thing tasks and lists and things are easier to deal with and manage than people.
People are hard and they disappoint and they will do the same things over and over and over again until you want to bang your head on the wall or, even, bang their head on the wall.
Tasks are accomplished and completed. When you put the laundry in the wash it stays there. When you wash a dish, you dry and then put it away......done. It's not complicated. It takes a bit of time but it's simple and easy.
People are anything but simple and easy.
Maybe we shy away from relationship and commitment to others for that reason.
Maybe it's easier to devote time to a task then to a person and so we fill our time with tasks.
But how about today we add to the top of our lists a phone call, a text, a short visit.
You shouldn't have 20 of these people.........remember Jesus? He had 12.
You aren't Jesus.
Start with one. Just one.
We spent 45 minutes together today. That's it.
And that 45 minutes?
It changed how I viewed myself and gave me room to breathe and space to remind myself of who I am.
And you know what?
I am pretty awesome ;) Just ask my friend.
Who's your one?
It starts with you.
Make the time.