There's A Mouse in the House

So here's the thing.........I have this little, tiny, hopefully slightly hidden fear of.........

FAILURE.

Well, and mice, too.

Which there was a MOUSE IN OUR HOUSE TONIGHT AND HE IS STILL HERE.

And I don't want to give him a cookie or a glass of milk or do any fun things with him like they do in that book where the mouse is cute and funny and all that.

I WANT HIM GONE.

I never want to see him again.

I scream and fling my body about in the most odd and jerky movements possible and then hit the floor whenever I see him.

You may have seen this before if you have ever been around me when I am surprised or scared suddenly.

God forbid anyone ever throw me a surprise birthday party......I would pee my pants and fling my body to the ground therefore scarring every person there.

I DIGRESS.

So that mouse got me thinking about my fear of failure.

Because, you see, I think that mouse is kind of like my fear.

I try to grab ahold of the fear, I contain it, I trap it or I try to keep it at bay, chase it away, forget it exists and move on with life.

But you know what I am sitting here thinking about?

That MOUSE THAT IS IN MY HOUSE.

IT IS STILL IN THE HOUSE.

Joe has it contained (he swears it can't get over the lip of the dividing step between the entryway and kitchen (I am allowing myself to believe him).

I am imagining how small it is and how it can't hurt me.

I am trying to forget about it (that small, black, disgusting, horrid creature that only lives to make me suffer).

I am trying to move on with my life and get some sleep (yet here I am typing this out instead of sleeping.)

Because you know what?

It's still in the house, just like my fear is........it is still present and alive and very much wanting to EAT ME ALIVE........well, maybe that is an exaggeration but you get my meaning.

In doing everything BUT crushing the heck out of my fear and getting rid of it I am letting it still control me.

I actually asked myself tonight........what would happen if I was a crushing failure in a particularly important area of my life?  What really would happen?

I don't know.

I mean......I think about what would happen if that mouse would crawl into bed with me and bite my toe or something..........and I think I would DIE.  I certainly would probably kill my poor husband because I would scream so loud and claw him to death but would I DIE?

Ummmm.............no.

Stop exaggerating, Mandy.

Get a grip.

So what would happen if the village we led sucked one week, I mean really sucked......like people decided not to come back sucked?

What would happen if my kid acted like a BEAST and if was ALL MY FAULT because I messed up and I needed to step up my game or let go or something else?

What would happen if I said the COMPLETELY wrong thing at the completely wrong time?

What would happen if I messed up as a granddaughter, a daughter, a mom, a wife?

What would happen if my house was trashed and someone happened to stop by in the midst of the mess and tired kids and tired momma?

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?  WOULD I SHRIVEL UP AND DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT?

Ummmmmm..........no.

Stop exaggerating, Mandy.

Get a grip.

That fear, like the mouse, seems so elusive but the closer you get you realize that it's really this tiny, little creature that you can trap, try to catch, keep at bay and forever run scared of OR you can get up close and personal and stare it down and say......

I AM NOT SCARED OF YOU.

BRING IT ON.

I WILL NOT LIVE IN FEAR OF YOU.

I AM DONE WITH YOU.

YOU HAVE NO POWER IN MY LIFE.

So what's it for you?  Failure?  Mice?  Or something else?

What do you live in fear of and when are you going to get up close and personal and stare it down?