God has really been working on my heart these past few years.........preaching grace and beauty, love and kindness. I know that I don't always get it right and if you are one reading this thinking my, my I certainly didn't see that from her on this day or that day.........I apologize. I know there are times when my impatience or selfishness or just plain weariness get the best of me.
In general I think I am the type of person to see the beauty in all people, I am constantly astounded by how amazing people are, how encompassing their beauty is.
Then I come home.
I get lost in my own head.
And I decide to get out my Jesus bat.
Do you have one of these?
I bet you do.
Some people use them on themselves and some people turn them outward to others.
I would say when I was first a Christian I turned mine outward. I was in that phase of life where I was ON FIRE and wanted everyone to see what I saw. I wanted everyone to believe what I believed and I was CERTAIN of many, many things..........oh my, I am not sure any one who didn't know Jesus saw Jesus in me back then. I don't know. My Jesus bat was swinging wide and often, a bit indiscriminate in who I hit or hurt. Again..........apologizes to anyone who was hurt by my certainty. Grace and love, grace and love........thank you, Lord, for preaching grace and love.
Now more than a few years later - years of reading my bible, praying, attending church, going to meetings/studies...........I have information, I have a solid foundation regarding Who I love and am serving, I have a relationship with Jesus but I have more of an appreciation for the gray areas and I have more questions than easy answers.............and that's ok.
So I am in this place where I put my big old Jesus bat in a closet when company comes or when I go out but then I come home.
I get lost in my own head.
And I decided to get out my Jesus bat.
And I begin to take swings.
Who are YOU?
What do you know?
You are a failure.
You can't do this.
You are so selfish.
Why didn't you do THIS today?
Why DID you do this today?
Did you just hear yourself? That was dumb.
Did you just hear yourself? Everyone else did.
And yeah, that was wrong, silly, not important, stupid sounding.
And truthfully.............as I sit and write these words, as I type them.........I cry. Seeing the secret words in my mind, the fuel behind that bat, this bat that most DEFINITELY DOES NOT COME FROM JESUS, makes me cringe and feel sick to my stomach. And everything in me that preaches grace and love to others is screaming at myself.....DON'T BELIEVE THE LIES. You, too, have this grace and love at your fingertips............EVERYBODY DOES.
And today I want to believe that.
I want to believe that someone's salvation doesn't hinder on MY words, but on God's words.
I want to believe, truly believe, in my heart that it's ok to make mistakes, that it's ok for someone to see ME and not a perfect replication of Jesus.........I am just me, who God made me to be and He loves me..................He loves me so much..........scratched up, dented, broken me. My words, my life NEVER have to be perfect.
I am, today, going to try to put that bat away.
Can you join me?
Can you bring out into the Light the lies that fuel YOUR Jesus bat, that cause you to beat yourself or others over and over for their inadequacies and their mistakes and the lies that they believe about themselves?
Can we give Grace freely, just as we have FREELY received it from Him?
Can we give Love freely, just as we have FREELY received it from Him?
What if we took this Gift and made it our own, believed it, lived it, breathed it?
Would it be easier to give away?