Thursday, July 26, 2012

Everything I Once Held Dear.......

I am reading through this great book right now........."Lies That Women Believe And The Truth That Sets Them Free" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.  I was eager to jump into it for the second time.  The first time I read it was with a group of women just after Sofia was born.  A friend asked me to join her group, just bring the baby and join the discussion........ahem.

Remember what Fia was like?

Yeah, it was great.  Half the time she would be screaming her head off or I would be trying DESPERATELY to distract/entertain/soothe her in front of the woman I called EVERY DAY for parenting advice on how to wrangle my crazy baby into submission.  I am sure I was a picture of contented motherhood................oh wait that was the blond skinny girl next to me who had her baby around the same time I did - bouncing (oh, who am I kidding, she wasn't even bouncing that baby, he just sat there) her baby boy on her lap.  I never did hear that kid cry - not even in his carseat.........this was something akin to a miracle to me because she would put him in his seat and LEAVE HIM THERE while she talked and finished saying her goodbyes.  I would put Fia in her carseat pretending/hoping/praying that she would not turn a shade of purplish-red never seen before the INSTANT her butt hit that back of that carseat.........................NEVER HAPPENED.  I would try to nonchalantly RUN AS FAST AS I COULD OUT OF THE HOUSE with my screaming baby, saying something about her being tired/hungry/insane and pray for a better time next week.

Never happened.

I dragged countless baby contraptions to that bible study and never once did any of them work for longer than 5 seconds.................

Ahhhhh...........the good old days.....................

Oh and by the way, I saw that girl just a few months ago................she has four boys now, all around the ages of my kids - 6 and under.  She is BEING RUN RAGGED.  I tried not to smile, I really, really tried and I know that I am a horrible person but for just a moment I smiled.  You can imagine my thoughts.  No need to air my horribleness any further.   In all seriousness, though, she is one of the  most genuinely nice people I have met.  She was being run ragged and she was honest about it but you could tell that she LOVES being a mom.  I love that.  It's always so encouraging to meet someone who thinks it's more than just a job.

Anyway........I have now written so many words and haven't even gotten to my point..........I went to read this book again and in the first chapter one of the lies is "God is not enough".   There were 3-4 other lies the women buy into but that one really resonated with me.  I thought of all the ways that I buy into that lie.  I thought that many, many times I seek the approval of man and not God.  That I look to a million other things to reassure myself that I am ok, that I am kind, that I am beautiful, that I am accepted.  But where is the only place that I have to look to for those things?

Is God enough for me?

What was scary is I got to the end of the chapter and there were follow up questions.  I had answered them six years ago.  Which lie stuck out to you, which one do you believe, why, etc......

All my answers were the same.

Six years later and I still believed the lie.  I am still looking to others for approval, for confirmation, for fulfillment.  Am I going to continue to look at scale for beauty or look up?  Am I going to continue to look to my friends, my neighbors, my kids, my parents for approval or look up?  Am I going to look to the things I do, accomplish, cook, bake, can, clean, save for success or am I going to look up?  Am I going to justify His word or take Him at His word?  Do I believe what He says?  Do I believe in the power of the Almighty God and do I believe that power dwells within each of us?

Do.  I.  Believe. ?

Is God enough?

I have said He is.  I am not sure that I have meant it.  I wanted to.   I believed that I meant it.

Now God is calling me on it.

He is messing with me BIG TIME this week.

Dare I say?  Dare I respond to the call?

What will life look like?

Is He enough?

Am I enough for I reassured, beyond doubt, that He loves me and will carry me through the times when I need Him to, through every day of my life AND my children's lives?


My answer is Yes.

I feel as if I am about to embark on an adventure.  One beyond my control, one that carries me beyond the scope of what I expected for my life.   But one that holds joy, power, majesty, awe, amazement and challenge beyond my wildest expectations.

I feel an unleashing.....................

Join me?  Liga?  Rachel?  

He is calling....................


Anonymous said...

hmmm.... very interesting. :) The day before yesterday, at OG, I was serving these people ( sometimes I feel like you just KNOW when someone is a fellow believer...) anyway, they commented on my tattoo (Jesus is Enough)... I began to tell them why I got it... and explained how it is my greatest desire to live a life believing and knowing that Jesus is enough whether I have all I want or whether I have nothing... and though this is my greatest desire in life, this is my greatest and absolute deepest battle as well, and right now I'm in this deep deep battle/struggle of trying to believe this.... i may need to go buy a new book. ;)

mandyc said...

It's good and I am reading it alongside "The Cost of Discipleship" which is like someone taking the Bible and whacking you upside the head with a good way :) But I can only read a bit of it at a time or it's overwhelming. I think it will always be a struggle for me because I like to be in control so much, it will be a constant reevaluation, where am I at now? What does being unleashed look like? Can I relinquish my control and give it to God in this part of my life? Let's talk more in August when you are free?