Awakened at 3:30..........my mind abuzz, too many thoughts crowded in too small a space, too dark a place..........humming, thrumming........not letting go, not wanting to let me slumber longer...........and so, finally at 4:30 I gave into the humming and thrumming and filled the coffee pot anticipating a day longer than I wanted.
I sat with my bible open, the ipod searching, searching for truths I knew but for truths that I had a hard time explaining. I wanted to get it right, to say words that mattered, to have the God I love matter to those children and people I love. I had it all planned. The truth backed by words backed by love. I would say that God is a mystery and we don't know it all and we can't know it all. That God is bigger than we are, smarter than we are and He has it all figured out which is why we don't have to. He gave us a book, filled with Him. He gave us hearts, filled with Him. He gave us lives, filled with Him. The Holy Spirit came down and in and through us and now Jesus lives on in and through us and how amazing is that. The church is not a building or a house or a place but it is US. Right here and now. I wanted to pray powerful words, healing words, encouraging words.
There was more.
But I didn't say any of it.
The prayer was forced and hurried and I was scared.
I looked out and said words that were just that..........words. I have no recollection of what I said but they weren't the well-crafted words of this morning. They weren't words filled with power and love and truth.
It was awful.
It was embarrassing.
I just felt inadequate and stupid and questioned what on earth I was doing and who was I to be up in front of anyone.
And then I remembered the words of this morning, the morning that started too early and too soon and had me opening up my bible and opening up my heart to Him.............and I wondered who those words were for..............the ones that I planned to say to the little hearts opening before me at village..........were they for them...........or me?
That God is bigger than I am.
God is smarter than I am.
God has it all figured out.............so I don't have to.
Maybe my failure wasn't such a failure but a reminder. A reminder of who He is.......and who I don't have to be............perfect. Today people walked out. Today there was a bit of chaos. Today there were moments of silence and waiting.........waiting for something that might not have happened. Today there was awkwardness. Today wasn't perfect.
But it's ok.
Really, it is. Just another reminder that it's not all about me and my words and my plan and my ideas.
It's all about Him. Surely God can work through my awkwardness and my failure and my imperfections. And I can move on and learn and not be paralyzed by fear.
May this morning and my imperfections drive me closer to Him.....oh how I want to live a life closer.......closer to knowing Him.........closer to living a grace-filled life..........closer, closer, closer to Him. Pray that I hear His words and not my own this week. Pray that I don't choke on my own words but be filled to overflowing with His.
Love you all. Thank you for making this journey with me. I heard from you today, on this day, when I felt so inadequate. A text saying you were praying for me as I was praying. A text filled to the brim with encouraging words - about my laugh, about my cooking, about who I am. A text letting me know that you were glad I was in your life. Words of love whispered as you held me tight. Your words mattered to me today. For today your words won the battle - they overpowered the ones telling to to give up, give in, that I wasn't enough. Thank you.