Late afternoon on Saturday I found myself in the shower.............curled up in a ball........feeling done in and a little weepy. My body was tired, my mind was tired and I didn't feel as if I deserved to be tired, me and my life of ease.
I hate that.
I hate that weepy part of motherhood that seems to come with the job. Those times when it's just hard to be the center of so many little people's universes :)
And I would be completely lying if I didn't think just about every other day.......for just a moment........what it is I would rather be doing. I love to be with my kids, I love hanging out with them, I love to cook with them and I even love to grocery shop with them - I waited for them to come home so they could go with me.............Joe told me not to tell other moms that but it's true and I figure I tell you enough horrible stuff that you will forgive me for loving to shop with my kids :)
BUT...........would I rather do laundry and watch Diego or sit and eat homemade salsa and watch Project Runway?
Would I rather play zoo for the HUNDREDTH time where the rules are many and the building endless or sit down with my new Jeffrey Archer book and a cold Diet Vanilla Coke from Sonic?
I feel awful saying this stuff, I feel as if I should justify it with a million other comments but well, you know me, you know what I love and who I love and you know these are moments and I want to reassure you that if you have moments too..............it doesn't mean you aren't doing what you are suppose to be doing AND it doesn't mean that you aren't doing it well.
I mean we all EXPECT our children to have moments, right? We expect there to be melt downs and tantrums and whining and arguing and all those things.......in fact there are ages where it happens DAILY. And you weather it. You weather the weary times. You weather the trying times. You weather wondering if you will ever like your child, all the time, again because while you love them fiercely and you love them in ways that were unfathomable before kids............you sometimes don't like the whining mess they become in the middle of their moments.
But guess what?
Mommies have moments too. Mommies have moments of crying in the shower. Mommies have moments of disappearing to scream or throw or rage because you don't understand why you use to control a room of 24 children daily and teach them all how to read and write and do math and it was seemingly magical but you can't get one kid to not be grumpy or have a bit of a fit when leaving somewhere EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Mommies have moments of needing space and NO ONE TOUCHING ME and wondering if you will ever get that space because it doesn't seem to be happening soon.
And you know what?
It's ok. Because just as it is with children........it is with mommies. They are simply moments. With no more of a hold on us than we let them have...............we can hold onto them, grasp those moments for dear life or just let go................let them go and move on, knowing they will come again but the times in between are the ones to cling to.
After my shower?
My dear ones came home............and the kids and I piled in the car to go to the store. We ran through the rain and piled food high, everyone taking turns to throw things in the cart. Two different couples commented on how well behaved the kids were and, of course, how cute they were............not knowing just the hour before I was having a "moment" on the shower floor because of these cute ones :) We came home, put on jammies, grabbed food and games and went to the basement for a movie and game night. It was so much fun.
That. That is a moment I will cling to.............giggly game nights with pesto pizza and Scooby Doo.
And the other moments?
Well, chalk it up to being a mom and go easy on yourself - take a shower, take a walk, go through a drive thru for Starbucks or Sonic, find a sitter, browse at Target, do whatever it takes to get out of yourself for just a moment......that moment.
The next one will be better............I promise.