Sunday, October 16, 2011

To My Heart, My Joy, My Adventure.......

I am living out my dream.

Truly, I am. I have a loving husband who is a great father, a man who cherishes us. I have you all - you three beautiful, zany, fun, amazing children. I am at home. I am, essentially, my own boss. I have days spent in pjs building race car tracks out of lincoln logs, making chocolate chip pancakes, reading under blankets sipping hot coffee. We have wonderful friends, family members minutes away. Our house feels like a home, a home I delight in and feel comfortable welcoming people into.

I am living out my dream. And yet..............

Sometimes, I feel boxed in by the dream world that I have created. I feel the need to break free and I gaze out the window thinking I must get out of here or I will begin to lose my mind. I think that all this loveliness sometimes is just not. so. lovely.

And it's ok.

I want you to know this, my dear children. Sofia, Nico, Francesca.....I want you to remember home as a fun, magical place filled with love and laughter and craziness. A place where you were happy and joyful and loved. But when you are a bit older I guess I want you to recognize that there were moments that were hard for your mama. Made harder by my unwillingness to give voice to just how tired and defeated I felt. I never wanted to truly admit that I was feeling lost inside because of how that would look. It's one thing to joke about it and admit to a bit of weariness as a mother, it's expected. But to look at someone and say I want to run away........

That's hard. It feels like failure.

It feels as if I am admitting there is something wrong with me or that I made the wrong decisions or that this is not enough for me....this life I have dreamt about and created for myself. Why do I feel this way? What is wrong with me?

But, darlings, I did say it. I spoke my fears, my feelings aloud. Timidly, at first. I am not sure if they realized how hard it was to say, how embarrassed I felt at my weakness. But out it came. Then I said it again.....to someone else. Then to your dad...........I spoke aloud my heart. And how I love this man. This man who lifts me up. Who thinks greater things of me than anyone, even while knowing all my faults more personally than anyone else could possibly know. He allowed me to open up and feel ok about being a bit lost and caged in and gave me the space that I needed. He made me a priority, made what I was feeling seem normal and ok and not at all a failure but a natural result of being the successful wife and mom that he sees me as being.

What a gift that was.

Do I still feel a bit boxed, a bit caged in when the washing machine is broken for a week, the house is a wreck, the lunches need to be packed and there are little eyes looking up at me screaming MAMA, MAMA, MAMA! ........? Sure. But life isn't always about what feels right and good and easy all the time, every moment. There are moments that aren't so easy and aren't so good. There are frustrations and hurts and head shaking, hand wringing, heart breaking moments. But, darlings, don't ever, ever give up or run away when something stops being easy or fun or good. I missed out on too much before in my life by doing this........giving up when my success didn't seem to be a given. Not trying too hard, fearing failure and embarrassment, and in doing so taking the easy way out.

You have been my greatest success, this family of mine. You have been the one thing in my life that I have never quit, that I have never given up on. And, oh my darlings, there have been endless nights of screaming and not sleeping. There have been moments of sobbing, my own, when I thought I cannot. do. this. anymore. There have been times when I have felt so alone.
But you have given me more courage and strength and joy than I have ever known. It's all been worth it..............every moment of it. Don't ever forget that. You are all worth it. I wouldn't change one moment. Thank you for growing me, dear ones. Thank you for teaching me that success doesn't come from a place of perfection but comes from staying the course.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race,
I have kept the faith"
- 2 Timothy 4:7

2 comments:

barewood said...

Even though I know other moms have these feelings too, I often feel very alone in them. It really is helpful to hear someone else voice the feelings in such an elegant way.

Kelly @ Love Well said...

Yep. Exactly. Even the most sanguine of mothers, the most positive person in the world has to admit there are hard moments, moments when we want to run away and have time and space to ourselves and just be left alone to do something different. Acknowledging that doesn't diminish our joy; it's just honesty and the knowing that we live in a broken world where life isn't perfect.

Love your authenticity, girlfriend.