Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Walkin' On Water

Sometimes I think it's easy to take that first step.......to see Jesus and in your excitement, in your awe of who He is and what He can do through you...........you step off the boat, onto the water.  You do it without thinking, without fully thinking through the fact that you are now on water and you could sink.

This is so me.  I love the jump.

I love ideas, I love making plans, picturing big things.  I can say yes with vigor and enthusiasm.  But then, like Peter, I step onto the water......Jesus at the end.....and I look around, terrified.

I said yes in faith but will my faith sustain me once I step out?  Will I fix my eyes on Jesus or on the murky waters surrounding me?

As always it's so easy to find fault with the imperfect men and women in the Bible - but am I any different?

Not really.

And that's the wonderful part of it.  Yes, the Bible is relevant to today.  I remember so clearly when I really began to question what I believed.  I spent a lot of time convincing myself that the Bible was hard and outdated and contradictory.  I looked for loopholes, taking scripture out of context and picking and choosing what I believed.  But then one day I stopped.  I believed.  I stopped making excuses.  I stopped looking to disprove.  I stepped out in faith.  I needed God.  I cried out to God.  I was sinking and I had no one else to call upon.  I was drowning in sorrow and disbelief - I could not withstand the cruelness of this world.  It changed my life - I was answered.  It hurts a bit that my faith and my heart change came about because a beautiful nineteen year old girl died.  But I am so thankful to that young woman.  I am thankful because she gave me new life.  I don't think that I caused her death or God orchestrated that event for my benefit but I have no doubt that that young woman, who loved and was dearly loved, shone God's love into my life, that God used her to love me.  And now I recognize the Bible for what it is and in part it's a love letter to us all -- reminding us that, just like Peter, we are fully known and fully loved.  That when Peter took his eyes off Jesus and began to sink into the water, not once did Jesus take his eyes of Peter.  Peter's actions never determined the love that Jesus had for Peter, He loves us regardless.

We have been taking foster care classes again and I find myself looking at the murky waters surrounding us.  I feel fear creep into my heart and my life.  My heart dropped the other day when we got a call and I had thought it was a child who needed us.  It turned out that it was just a reminder for a class.

I was so relieved.

Then I was so ashamed.

I am taking my eyes off Jesus.  I am putting ease and comfort over what we have been called to do - what, really, I want to do.

I sat down that day and happened to open up to Matthew 14:22-32 and my heart was happy.  I read and I rejoiced in the fact that God knows.  God knows when I doubt, when I am fearful, when I shy away from the unknown and in doing so turn from what He wants.  He knows all this and still loves me, still counts me among his disciples.  He gave me His word which reassures me of His love and perfection in the midst of my imperfections.

And so when the next call comes........*hopefully* I will fix my eyes upon Jesus.  I will draw strength from Him and His love for all of us.  I will put one foot in front of the other - walking on faith, walking on water.

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