It happened the first time 6 years ago.
Joe freaked out a little bit.
I freaked out a lot.
I was misunderstood because, frankly, I didn't understand.
It defied any expectation I had. It defied who I set myself up to be.
I couldn't wait to be a mom.
I was going to be good.
I was going to LOVE motherhood.
And so six years ago when I broke down and cried and sobbed and said life was never going to be the same and I couldn't stop crying............well, it was a little unexpected.
Especially since my I had only been a mother for 2 days.
You would have thought the person destined for "Mother of the Year" would have kept it together longer than 2 days.
Not so much.
And what's weird to me and what I need to share with you is.....................
IT. KEEPS. HAPPENING.
I keep having days here and there scattered between the good ones, the great ones and the ones that you scrapbook about that defy my expectation of motherhood, that defy who I thought I was going to be.
It's hard to wake up, some days, to play dog for the millionth time, to read the same books, to pretend to be "mom" with the lego people, to build forts that take an hour to get just right only to get it right and then move on to the next activity.
It's hard to create and craft and build and then clean it all up and start over again. I never watched "Groundhog Day" all the way through because, really, it seemed to be an utterly ridiculous movie and I couldn't even finish it but I imagine that some days I feel that I live it.
I wake up to the same messes, the same activities, the same stuff........day after day.
And so this week, on Monday, when I woke up and felt off.........well, I kind of knew what was coming. It wasn't a good day, wasn't a great day, wasn't an "oh, let's run to my blog and type out what adorable thing my child is doing" kind of day. It was a hide under my covers and pretend that I am sleeping kind of day.
AND. THAT'S. OK.
That's what I've learned after six years of days like that. Because mama said there would be days like that, there'll be days like that, my mama said..... (sorry, my family and I have this annoying habit of randomly breaking out in song)
Days where you long to break out, break free.
Days where you look at your children and picture everything you would like to say to them as they are NEEDING YOU, WANTING YOU, CRAWLING ON TOP OF YOU...and then you silence those words and say I LOVE YOU through clenched teeth, hoping they remember the words and not the teeth 20 years from now.
Days where that dish on the counter, the one left on the counter you WORK YOUR ENTIRE LIFE TO KEEP CLEAN seems like a good reason to seethe in silent anger at your husband who VERY MUCH NOTICES your silently seething in a way your children do not.
Days where you skip reading your bible and praying to God, other than in those moments of PLEASE GOD LET ME NOT FEEL LIKE THIS ANYMORE, and you turn to mindless crap on your computer that MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD even when you know you shouldn't and you would rather not have anyone know you are watching such shows as these (Winston, Schmidt and crack cocaine.......OH MY WORD......and Parenthood, stop. Seriously, just stop. I can't take how much you come RIGHT INTO MY LIFE, MY HEAD and get families. I love you Parenthood, one more episode this year.......I miss you already)
Days where you spend an hour being THE BEST MOM EVER by creating, crafting, reading, investing and, in your head, this justifies the extra hour of tv you let the watch that afternoon.
Days where after you drop your eldest at school, the one you can walk to in 5 minutes, and then you drive 15 MINUTES IN THE OPPOSITE direction of your house to get a Diet Vanilla Coke from Sonic because you know that it will make everything better (oh and it so does.........it really, really does)
And then you wake up the next day or the day after that and the sun shines brighter. You actually get dressed in real clothes, the children aren't nearly SO ANNOYING as you remember them being the day before. You remember why you love this job, this job of mothering and playing and cleaning and reading and care taking. You breathe deep breaths. You soak in the joy of the day, the joy that was so desperately missing from the day or days before and you take the time to pray and give thanks and talk to God, who carried you and loved you for all those moments that you weren't feeling so great or perky. And you'll remember...............
You'll remember that life goes on, that you were meant for this life, this job of mothering.
And it's good, even when it's not.
And hopefully, your husband, like mine has learned........has learned his own way of coping, handling and loving a mom when there are days like this............praying for me, loving me gently, giving me time to be someone other than a jungle gym for three young ones.
And so if today is a day of I. JUST. CAN'T. DO. IT. ANYMORE...................cut yourself some slack, get out of the house, call a friend, take a trip to Sonic, do whatever it takes to get to the next day, the next moment.
Just wanted you to know, once again - in this world of pinterest, instagram, facebook, blogs, how-to everything where everyone posts their best face forward - that it happens........to everyone.
Love you all. Call if you need anything.
Mothers need to stick together. It's the been one of the greatest gifts to me - this community of women I find myself in - they remind me ALL THE TIME of who I am when I get lost. You know who you are :) Thanks.