Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Some days

Some days...........it feels like.....well, ALOT. It seems as if the laundry, the dishes, the piles, the beds, the produce from the garden and the cooking is endless. It seems as if too much time is spent on these things and that your job is never done. My house, my family requires lots of time and upkeep.

When there were 2, I swept once a week, did dishes every other day, laundry about 1-2 times a week and cleaned for big events about once a month. Now that there are 5, I sweep almost every day, sometimes 2x a day, the laundry SHOULD get done every day and when it doesn't it's almost too much to look at - the massive pile gets to be so intimidating that I just have to shut the door and give it a few more days until someone runs out of something. The cooking is a constant throughout the day - whether baking bread, canning, preserving or simply getting a meal on the table. This means that the dishwasher is usually run at two times a day. I am constantly picking up, organizing, sifting through, cleaning something. I feel like an underpaid, overworked housekeeper with nothing to show for it....................some days.

Some days.................I am a martyr. This is NOT an attractive nor godly quality. That last paragraph was the paragraph of a mommy martyr. Yeah, all that stuff happens and some is boring and tedious and with three kids underfoot a bit daunting but it's not hard labor, this isn't some sort of prison camp. I am healthy, I have a wonderful husband, I have fabulous kids, I have support like you wouldn't believe in the form of family and friends and truth be told, I feel as if God created this whole wife/mothering/homemaking thing for me, I enjoy it................most days. But it is just so "fun" to be the martyr, to scream out NOTICE ME! NOTICE MY SACRIFICE! DO YOU SEE ME, WHAT I DO! AREN'T I AMAZING TO HANDLE ALL THIS? And, without prompting, my husband does but sometimes I want more, I want someone else to admit that I am amazing, that they see the work that I do. That they see me. They see how hard this can be to do it and do it well (and it's not as if I always do it well, either). And I think that is what is hard about this job...........some days.

There is a general recognition of motherhood, of homemaking. There is a recognition of the fact that it is a job and that it's one that has it's ups and downs. But some days.............I want a letter, like one I use to get when teaching. I use to get GREAT letters. I think first grade parents tend to be involved and worry more about their kids so they tend to be ones to write great letters. I was told how wonderful I was, I got presents, I was told what a difference I make. It was pretty gratifying for an approval hound such as myself. So some days........without that letter, without that recognition I become a martyr. I start to seek that approval, that recognition in the most unhealthy of ways.......I start to whine a bit, complain a bit, start listing my to do list and compare it to others. It makes for such a whiny, nasty person, this martyrdom thing. It puts the focus on myself and I forget that other people crave what I crave. That they to lead lives that matter. They, too, work hard. They have chores and tasks that God charged them with.

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. 4For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your[a] faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; 8 if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Some days................I want to just tell Paul to can it but the man is right. I think today I will be a mom without the martyr attached to it. Also, I wanted to let you know.......I think you're great.

1 comment:

Jill K said...

I think you're great too! You must be to have such great kids. This is exactly what I needed to read after the day I've had today. I swear you must have read my mind ahead of time, because many of these were my exact thoughts today. Thanks for sharing. I love reading your blog!